


Long Road To Ruin

by lonelymisfit



Category: One Direction
Genre: Bar fights, Eventual Sex, Famous Harry, Film Production Louis, Fluff and Angst, Heartbreak, Jealous Harry, Jealous Louis, Kissing, M/M, Motels, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Proposals, Road Trip, Rockstar Harry, Runaway Bridegroom, Slow Burn, break ups, non famous louis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-09-23 21:57:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 38,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17088476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonelymisfit/pseuds/lonelymisfit
Summary: " I remember thinking I would have done anything you ever asked me to do, without reserve. I was a fool to think that maybe you’d grow to do the same for me."Or the one where two people can be in love but not belong to each other.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sheeriously](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sheeriously/gifts).



> Based on the prompt:- "Louis was never able to love Aiden or wasn't even sure if Aiden was loving him in the first place, but because he had money and all the blinding wealth, his family and Louis somehow decided that marrying Aiden was a good idea until the day they will be getting married. Louis chose to run away all of a sudden and Harry, who just got into the dressing room to see if Louis was alright started to help him to run away only because he had feelings for Louis too. A long road trip from London to Manchester includes mutual pining, blossoming of feelings and possibly making out.  
> Friends inspired, where Rachel runs away from her wedding but adding that Harry helps him and they run away together only to be together as a couple." 
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> I took this and totally 180th it. Hopefully though, the initial idea and concept is still there and I have managed to bring your vision to life. 
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> A small list of songs that help convey the various moods of the story. 
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> Michael Bolton - Said I Loved You  
> Ray LaMontagne - Let It Be Me  
> Sam Smith - Not In That Way  
> RHODES, Birdy - Let It All Go  
> Daughter - Medicine  
> James Arthur - Can I Be Him  
> Somewhere Only We Know (Lily Allen's Cover)  
> Kodaline - The One  
> Anna Clendening - Boys Like You  
> Johnny Cash - Ring Of Fire  
> Bill Withers - Ain't No Sunshine  
> Sam Smith - Leave Your Lover  
> A Fine Frenzy - Almost Lover  
> Charlene Soraia - Wherever You Will Go  
> One Direction - Fools Gold  
> John Mayer - Dreaming With A Broken Heart  
> Gabrielle Aplin - Please Don't Say You Love Me  
> Ellie Goulding - How Long Will I Love You  
> Make Me (Cry) - Noah Cyrus (Acoustic Version)  
> Ariana Grande, Nathan Sykes - Almost Is Never Enough  
> Lord Horon - The Night We Met  
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> Special thanks to Ally, Simone and everyone who had a part in bringing this monster to life. I could not have done this without you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introducing Harry Styles And Louis Tomlinson...

There he sits with the black guitar strapped across his shoulders, with endless legs dangling from the small stool centered on stage. He is like a beacon of light pulling forces towards it like the sun. He sits upon his throne, taking strangers by storm and winning their hearts just from a flash of his dazzling smile. Then he opens his mouth and the words cascade out like a gentle waterfall flowing, until it hits the still pit of water and calms the crowd.

It’s amazing to see him this way, all fancy suits and enough pride to fill his broad chest. He was a different person on stage than he ever was with Louis. And it’s sort of intriguing to see him express himself in such a confident way and to make the people around him connect with the words he’s trying to convey.

  
Of course nothing would compare to the boy Louis first met that night at Montello’s. All shy smiles and effortless sophistication. He wore a simple white shirt with a giant fedora to help tame his messy curls and a faded dark jeans that was most likely near its end. Yet, somehow he eluded nothing but expensive taste and classy ways. Louis could not understand for a moment why he was so entranced with the man but he knew he had to meet him. Even if it was just to discuss the dreary weather of London or the many plates of hors d'oeuvres spread across the tables - and which he preferred.

  
It was easier said than done though, because even at the beginning when exchanging simple pleasantries to the crowded room, the boy was distant and kept mostly to himself. He spent the entirety of the night standing in a corner sipping his Vieux Carré.

  
The phone trick was simply clever on his behalf Louis thought, since it would not allow people to disturb him from his little bubble he managed to cocoon himself in, yet he could not allow this boy to remain in silence. Louis would have to be the intruder to pop this make believe bubble for his own selfish desires. To become this boy’s waking nightmare and shake the reality of his entire avoidance of the night. That is, to become a stranger engaging another stranger in casual conversation.

  
He had worked up every inch of courage he had in himself to walk over to the stranger that it made his inner uneasiness manifest its way on the outside as well. Louis was never subtle and people around him noticed this dilemma even before he did. “You seem sick” exclaimed Garth, one of the many faces he has grown familiar with since his short time in London. What could he even reply? _Of course I was sick_ , even if he was extremely covetous with this mysterious boy he also made him nervous. And though he was the only person Louis wanted to get to know in this room he was also the only person who made it near impossible. And for some reason as he watches Garth try to figure out what was happening to him, the boy stood in the corner unaffected, unaware of what _he_ was doing to Louis. Garth was casually brushed off with a simple shake of the head trying to dismiss his fake sympathy. Louis did not need people thinking he was this put off by a stranger. Garth seemed to accept Louis' vague gesture, as he was hoping he would, so that he can leave and focus on the real reason his palms were sweaty or why he felt like he had indeed eaten something that made him feel upset.

  
Watching him from this perspective was almost like studying him in a laboratory. To be able to witness every stroke to his hair trying to tame the disarray of strays on his face, to the way he’d look down helplessly at his phone. Almost as if he was waiting on something or someone rather to help alleviate his somewhat antisocial behaviour towards the people in this crowded room.

  
With purely assumption here Louis knew that the boy was dependent on the stranger’s reply. It would explain why the wall he built around himself hasn’t lowered since he stepped into the room, and why he was so unwilling to interact with anyone else. It is not because he didn’t want to but simply because of some reason only known to him that was hindering him from doing so. Like a blockage in a clogged drain as water gushes trying to pass and fit around the giant ball of hair or last Sunday’s left overs- until it becomes too much to take and starts travelling back upwards to where it came from. The only thing left to do is jam a long object and force the contents further down the drain, the other option being to either sink and hook, dragging up the lump of apprehensiveness until the path is clear and the relief floods through every part of your frail body.

  
The boy closes his eyes breathing out hard. His whole demeanor changed in a split second and Louis knew then that what he was waiting for all this time had finally happened. From the way he shook his head down at his phone Louis could tell it was not the answer he was hoping for.

  
Instantly, when he finally notices Louis in close proximity to him he lifts his head and retreats back as if he’s been stung clearly surprised a stranger has managed to find their way over to him in the dark corner.

  
“Oh I’m sorry” Was the first thing he said to Louis and for some reason he couldn’t quite grasp why he needed to apologise because all Louis could have focused on was the deep rasp of his voice. His tone was definitely based off the response he got on his phone and now he was trying his best to not let it affect the way he presented himself to others.  
The boy had his gaze stuck on Louis for a good few seconds and though it seemed longer to him and had hinted his senses to trace it back to some sort of cliché awakening in a shabby scene of a romantic movie- the boy stood with a tiny frown between his eyebrows as if he’s trying to figure out why Louis was even standing so close to him in the first place. Almost questioning silently that Louis was invading his space when he clearly wanted to be left alone.

  
His apology to Louis however, did not quite fit with the image he was trying to elude. It sparked an almost perplexed notion that even though his face indicated that he wanted Louis to leave, his words were a mere distraction to his obvious known problem. He was trying to deflect what the person on the phone said to him on himself, trying to blame himself for whatever happened and for that alone Louis thought that he should stay a little longer. Not because he was curious as to what the person had said to him but to make him see that there were other things and people in this world who served as a stranger’s distraction from their real problems. It is, in most cases why we engage with others on a daily basis. We are lonely and we want that feeling to go away but maybe only for a while, we are itching and desirous of another but only to fill the void for a night, we demand distractions in times where we wish and hope that things could be better if you weren’t who you were. Humans were distractions as much as they were the root cause of those same problems. Louis wanted to be that for him. He wanted to make him forget whatever it was that had him this way.

  
“Am I in your way?” he had spoken afterwards which in turn made Louis question why he was so determined to put himself out in such a manner that he was the cause of every problem he saw fit. How could he have possibly derived that Louis was in his way when there was nowhere left to go? He was stationed at the very end of the dim corner.  
Again this boy was trying to create the illusion that he was to be left alone yet somehow his words was like a silent plea, almost hoping that Louis was here to stay and engage him in conversation about simply anything and everything. Or maybe Louis was reading him entirely wrong and he did in fact needed him to leave.

  
“Harry right?” He nods to confirm and stretches his hand out for Louis to take. His mannerisms flowed effortlessly and the similar demeanor Louis first noticed with him when he came through the door has now emerged from behind his almost transparent façade.  
“We met earlier. Are you enjoying the party?” The way he tries to deflect attention off him by asking questions made Louis think that initially all this boy wanted was someone to talk to and as selfish as he was, it was also what Louis wanted as well. Deep inside his curiosity scratched at his tongue trying to at least understand the inner working mind of this young man and what had him this impeded. It took everything in Louis to not outright ask him what he saw on the phone. Instead he decided to play his little charade for as long as he would have liked Louis to, simply outstretching to take his hand in his for a brief moment. The touch made Louis realise two things that day. This man was as cold as his own hands and for whatever reason it was going to take slathers of self- acceptance and also reassurance from others to get him to see how he affects even a stranger in a crowded room. How grand his power was with a simple touch and how wicked he was to have drawn Louis in without even knowing, without having done anything. Number two was simply that Louis knew what he was about to get himself into and shamelessly he dug himself deeper in this hole of sheer curiousity and desire, for all he itched to know was everything about this man. Louis longed to always feel his touch on him and he wanted to always feel how the man made him at that moment.

“I should ask you the same question since you’re all the way over here by yourself” Louis had only said it in hopes that he would flow into conversation easily. He gave Harry the opener he needed, all he was required to do was reciprocate and continue on. He did nothing to engage Louis further. It almost seemed to pain him to say something back, that even though he wanted to he simply could not. He was restricting himself from Louis and he did not like it one bit. As much as Louis yearned to know about him he wasn’t even for a second lowering the wall he so carefully structured around himself. Even to a stranger, where the minute they walk off so does the conversation they held and the words that were said. He had hoped he was one of those who believed that having heart to hearts with complete strangers was an easy way to get something off your chest that you have only ever muttered to yourself.

  
_Do you sometimes think that the reason people sit in silence is simply to be able to swallow themselves in the many swimming thoughts that can never be heard by another for if it did it would strip away the very image that person has already painted for us and we once again become strangers to them? Which is why he thought it was based on this that speaking to a stranger was just as catastrophic as speaking to someone you knew._ Still he had hoped he didn’t share the same views. Louis was holding on so dearly that the man would just _talk_ to him.

  
“I just needed a minute” His voice drops even lower than his usual deep rasp which personally indicated to Louis that he was about to crack. He had to be nonplussed about this matter though. Pretend like it didn’t mean anything to him, that he was just trying to be the unknown person to listen to what he had to say but Louis was sucked into his vortex and everything to him mattered. He wanted to know and to possibly be the solution Harry clearly so desired.

  
“Want to talk about it?” Louis was done with waiting. The man needed to tell him before it swallows him and the moment he walks off and leaves Louis standing there by himself it would be all he was thinking of. It would follow him home and when he lies in his bed. When he awakes in the morning it would stick to him like a lingering shadow. A simple thing that could have been avoided if he just asked. So that he did only to be stricken by the man's dismissive response.

  
“I do not want to bore you.” He had smiled at Louis for the first time yet something in it yelled that he wanted to shout it to the rooftops. Whatever it was. He knew at that moment that he should have walked away. He should have taken the stranger's response as reason enough to leave but he didn't. He couldn't. Louis was never the one to listen to his instincts (who was so desperately telling him to run right now.) _Bore me, I beg_. Louis knew Harry only answered in hopes it was what ends their conversation. A casual brush off, an oh-you-don’t-want-to-know-about-me-I’m-boring, but the boy was anything but boring to Louis.  
“Well how about we get another drink? That doesn’t look too enjoyable” Due to his overly observant attitude Louis had noticed it was also the first he's seen the man take a sip from his diluted drink since looking away from his phone screen. Louis was trying his best at this point for him to take the bait he so blatantly dangled in his face. Desperately pleading for Harry to accept his offer. He did not want to have to walk off and leave him standing by himself once more, he did not want him to go back to his phone and get lost into the same dreary life he clings to. It may have been selfish of him but Louis could not watch this man be swallowed by the unknown once more.

  
“Not much of a drinker to be honest” It was exactly the answer Louis knew Harry would provide him with. Always so dismissive and ready to bolt, ready to get away from everything that can possibly be good for him.

  
Louis had known him for just a couple minutes but he can already read every line in his novella clear as a summer’s day. He did not know what that said about him, _was I projecting or did I in fact read his story as thoroughly as it was presented to me?_  
There was no way to move forward from this without coming off invested. That is not the impression Louis wanted him to leave with. _He was the only one who cared to talk to me_ , somewhere along those lines rather than _I was counting down the seconds until he would shut up and just leave me alone._ Somehow Louis got the feeling the latter was more realistic.

  
The only thing left to do was to flash him an almost crooked smile which he returned and before Louis knew it Harry was walking off. Further and further away from Louis he went even though they were still standing in the same room. Louis remembers thinking it was the last time he would ever get to see him and the image he sees now is what he wanted to soak in, he wanted to savour every movement he made and remember every word the man ever said to him.

  
Louis was now standing in the crowd looking at him smiling. The warmth and recognition of someone you care about. But it isn’t the way Louis would like it. He yearned for more than he could have hoped for and Louis knew that it was potentially going to be his downfall. Louis has befriended the stranger with the peculiar sense of style and though now he knows things about him that he didn’t before, he still hasn’t told Louis what had transpired that night. Who was the cause for his dismissive demeanor and did it continue after Louis had left him?

  
He still keeps his distance- he’s here but he isn’t. Though every time Louis looks at him he sees a person reaching out. He can tell Harry's walls were still carefully constructed around himself and there was no way of getting in. He has to be the one to invite Louis in. He cannot get in if he's not permitted. Yet he keeps his chains on and acts like Louis cannot get too close to him because of his own fear not allowing him to.  
The more days Louis stays with him the more he thinks that there was no hope for them, and the days Louis does not see him it is testament that the man has made such a deep mark on his life permanently that he cannot shake him from his mind even when he was away.

  
_When he asked me to attend his show that day I could not have refused, I remember thinking I would have done anything you ever asked me to do, without reserve. I was a fool to think that maybe you’d grow to do the same for me._

 

**

 

On days when Harry would visit his flat Louis was counting down the seconds until he had to leave. It wasn’t that he was tired of his presence but simply that it was just never _enough_. It was like something clawing at the back of his mind, a nasty reminder that he had to eventually go. It was the only thing Louis could focus on and not the way the man would ask pointless things about the daytime shows he somehow liked watching and not when he would twirl his hair around his finger and Louis would stare wishing it was he who had done it (he seemed to have a close attachment to his hair. Almost like it served as a calming method for him somehow) not even when he would sneak off in the kitchen and Louis knew he went to murmur on his phone to the unknown person he so desperately keeps a secret from him. In a way Louis was subconsciously keeping track of everything he did but it came almost like instinct to him. A reflex action that cannot be controlled. It was as if his actions were Louis' to bare and all his words were stored in a special place in his mind - probably laminated with his name in bold letters.

  
It didn’t hurt each time Harry walked out the door but only when he enters.  
There were on some odd occasions when he would show up unannounced and Louis was more than cordial in acting promptly to his desires, would mold and bend into any shape or form he would have liked him to be. Louis was the putty and he was the expert sculptor's hand.

  
Louis knew when the man had those days not meant for talking, quite similarly to when Louis had met him for the very first time. He was closed off and though he never spoke a word Louis knew it was when he needed him the most. In a way he used Louis to his convenience and never once thought about the way he felt or if he was the one who needed comforting. Louis wanted to tell him as such, wanted to throw all his anger and rage out on him, throw blame that all of this inside him that he was feeling was because of him and he did nothing to make it stop hurting. Louis wanted him to know that every little glance or laugh he shows is what he stores for later keeping because he knew Harry wasn’t a constant in his life and once he’s gone he will only ever exist in his mind. Louis wanted him to feel the guilt sink to his gut that he was the reason he could not share his smiles with anyone else but him, and that the one thing that truly made him happy wasn’t his for the taking. Louis wanted him to know that he slowly ripped him from the seams and watched him bleed and he didn’t budge, he didn’t pick him off the floor and help stitch the pieces back up.  
Then again showing Harry what he meant would only be a little more pain for Louis to bare. A tragic sympathy he didn’t want to look in his eyes and see, for the man to look at Louis like it was out of his hands and there was nothing he can do. He would cut all ties with Louis and he would never see him again, the man would not come over to his house and leave his shoes by the door like he was a person already living here, he would not touch Louis unconsciously and with familiarity like he does now. Louis would be the cause of his tears because the man couldn’t give him what he wanted and it would hurt Harry knowing that he was hurting Louis.

  
_Is this what they called infatuation? Adoration? Lust?_ Louis hadn’t a clue how he felt and he did not want to put a label on it, did not want to know there was such a feeling that can exist.

  
Louis wanted him to feel the way he felt and he wanted Harry to know without him having to say a word. He did not wish to burden him with his problems knowing that the man held his own demons in the dark. Locked away from Louis even though he begged to know.  
That particular evening he was bundled up on Louis' sofa with a cup of black coffee and he hasn’t said a word since he walked through the door. Louis found himself in the kitchen trying to fight the tears that were so desperately struggling to come into light and make him the pathetic little boy he was inside.

  
Harry left that day with a simple farewell and a courteous invitation to his other show on the road a few towns over. There was no way he wanted to go but Louis knew he wasn’t missing it for anything in the world.

  
Louis supposes being on a stage and performing in front of thousands of people who only know the shell of you serves as the greatest distraction of all time. Louis envied him. He had this mass gathering of strangers who were willing to listen to what he has to say and not able to reciprocate in any way, shape or form. Their conversations were always one sided and in that way Harry was in total control of his emotions. He was only giving them what he wanted and locking away the little bits and pieces that people yearn for; a little more. It sort of created the illusion that he was mysterious which in turn made him interesting.  
He had once told Louis the very same thing one day when they had lunch in a quaint little pizzeria after one of his shows. “Are you dating anyone? You never speak about your love life” At that point in time Louis wanted to ask him the very same question and watch as his eyes wilt and his eyebrows draw together as if the mere question he asked was almost offensive given the fact that Louis knew Harry had someone in his life but he never even uttered their name. Louis didn’t. Instead he tried to make it seem like the man was reading a bit too deep into him for his liking and that it wasn’t that he never spoke of it but because there was nothing to speak about with regards to it. Harry had stayed silent after Louis' response watching as if he had a giant sign stuck on his forehead that said he was a liar but it quickly switched to one of those private smiles, no teeth but with the slight indentation of his cheeks that revealed his dimples and told Louis something that still stabs at his chest every night and screams at him every chance it got. "Anyone would be lucky to have you – you’re amazing Louis." Luck he calls it, probably the one thing Louis does not have. Anyone? With the exclusion of himself obviously. _Was he just saying that to lighten my spirits?_ Louis thought, A friend assuring another, or was it that he truly believed Louis was even worthy of being the pure luck in someone’s life?

  
_He had always said my name in such a manner that it shakes my inner core - I was hard every time words left his mouth but hearing him speak my name was what drove me to a different dimension. I wanted to hear him say my name when I had his cock in my mouth, I wanted to hear him say my name when he asks me if he could come on my chest, I wanted to hear him say my name just as he reached his high and staccatos inside me. **Louis** , sometimes I would lie in my bed repeating my name trying to imitate his voice. I would touch myself screaming my own name, I would smear my own come on my chest and spread myself out with my own fingers whilst I said my name like a mantra. **Pathetic** I would spit looking at myself in the mirror. The shame washed heavily upon my skin each time I drove myself to think he would want me this way, if he would want me at all._

 

**

  
“Let’s go somewhere today” It was the days much like this one when Louis remembers the most about him. He was chaste and upfront, like nothing was holding him back. He smiled like the sun rays shining down on a hot summer’s day that spread to every person he came in contact with. It was contagious and so hard not to crack a blinding smile just by watching him. Louis never questioned it nor did anything to disrupt the man's sudden change in moods. _I’ll go anywhere with you,_ Louis thought but always ever nodding to relay his response to him. Harry would pull his hands toward his truck and they would drive for miles.  
He would sing along to songs Louis only ever heard because of his playlist blearing in his truck and Louis would watch as the man encouraged him to join. They would stop at the hill overlooking B. and as Louis watches him get out the truck all he could think of was how he longs to be the reason for the man's smile. Louis was almost jealous at these sunsets and this particular spot because they made him happy and they made him the Harry he wished he saw more of. He would sit on the concrete barrier and they would be quiet just watching out into the distance as the sun disappears behind the sea. And with every second that passes the man's smile would diminish and as the sky turned to black so too his mood.  
“Ready to head back?” Louis would eventually say as he watches Harry almost become swallowed by the gusty winds and the dark night.

  
“Just a little while longer” He would say closing his eyes as if reveling in the way the wind made him feel. It made Louis think of Harry's life and if these trips were a means to help remind him that he could escape if he wanted to and that there wasn’t anything that could stop him if he just let go. Harry would tell him how he loved spending these quiet nights with him and that he was the only one who understood what the silence meant. Louis hadn’t a clue what it meant, in desperation, Louis had clung to whatever it was the man thought he understood and he took pride that Harry finally saw something in him that served purpose. He was part of Harry's little bubble now and it made Louis feel connected to him.  
He would eventually make his journey back home while Louis sat with the uneasy feeling inside, eating him up and destroying him because Harry would eventually leave him once again. He would be gone before the morning clears and he would be back to the same closed off person Louis has grown accustomed to. On most days Louis did not have it in him to say another word until Harry asked him a question, but on one such day Louis defied his own inhibitions and told him rather bluntly, “I’m hungry.” Harry had laughed so loud at Louis' sudden request that he wanted to repeat what he had simply thought was an outlet to make the man stay longer just so he can hear his squawk once more.

  
“What are you getting?”

  
“Probably just a burger”

  
“I’m not too hungry I’ll just have a milkshake”

  
It was a seventies themed dive, with plastic rubber covered seats and colourful walls with pictures of Elvis Presley and Johnny Cash. An old jukebox sat in the corner playing softly as Louis looked over the table to see Harry put his menu down.

  
When the food arrived Louis remembers feeling self-conscious to eat in front him and not because he wasn’t even the slightest bit hungry but that the man would see him do something so normal and hold thoughts of his own that Louis would never know. He started talking about an old Johnny Cash song he insisted didn’t get enough recognition when he leaned over and took a chip right off Louis' plate holding it up to his lips. Louis had told him he should sing it at one of his concerts which was why the man had frozen with the chip close to his mouth mid-air. _You have a younger following and they trust your judgements. If you say a song is good then they’d believe it and they’d love it,_ Louis knew he was rambling and he did not want the smoky atmosphere to clear only to reveal what he truly intended to mean by his words. _Everyone loves you, everyone would do anything for you- including me._ He acted unaffected by Louis' comment like he didn’t quite believe what he was telling him, the idea of him being a powerhouse that people look up to seemed preposterous to him. He shrugged Louis off eating the chip while extending his hand to the plate once more.  
“Sebastian thinks I corrupt the young minds with my shenanigans” It was the first time he spoke a name, it was the first time he had ever told Louis about the unknown person he has longed to know for a some time. He could finally put a name to the stranger he was extremely envious to. He could finally utter his name in hatred for always making Harry gloomy and closed off and question how and why he makes this boy hurt.

  
He looked at Louis that day like some sort of relief had washed over him after he had revealed those words. He was obviously waiting for Louis to say something back to him, it was evident from the way he paused as to gauge Louis' reaction to him mentioning the other half of his life, to the mention of the person he would give most of his time to. Louis didn’t utter a word for a while and he knew it was making things uncomfortable, his silence was creating this nasty cloud to rain over their heads almost washing away Louis' hard exterior and revealing the soft shell of a man with jealously brewing in his bones.

  
“If someone has the power to corrupt minds then they also have the power to uplift them” Louis was quoting something he had heard once on television but he had hoped what he said would make Harry understand without having to know. Understand that what he was doing was making a difference in so many people’s lives and it brought them immense joy, but Louis didn’t want him to know that his words acted more than a self-assurance to the man, but also as a promise to himself after he had first met him that night at Montello’s. Louis had vowed that he would feed the man with countless words of the truth and his ability to affect a stranger’s life. _You changed mine,_ Louis wanted to say but never did.  _I was a living example of your corruption Harry. I was a stranger you captivated with your words and your sultry voice, your smile and...your silence._

"I like when you speak like that” His voice was barely above a whisper and Louis would have missed it since he was still caught up in his voice wrapping around the word Sebastian. A bastard he thought, for he has made Harry cry on countless occasions and not have a clue he did. Then he thought Harry has made him cry the same and that maybe the man was his Sebastian without even knowing.

  
Louis had nothing to offer him. He was an orphan boy who was passed around to different foster homes for the most part of his life. He carried the same clothes on his shoulders and the rag doll the sisters had told him was from his mother. He did not know who his mother was, what she looked like, why she left him, why he wasn’t enough. He didn't let that deter him in life though.

  
When Louis turned eighteen he had gotten a job at Steve’s music selling old records that most people either throw out or trade for CDs. He never had a chance to go to university like all the other foster kids that ended up in good homes did. He focused more on making money because it was something he never had and something he wanted. It was how he met Sienna. She introduced him to film and production and it is what got him what he had today.

  
Harry knew him as a struggling kid working minimum wage at a record store but he didn’t know the man Louis had become presently. It made Louis think if he ever knew him at all.  
Louis didn’t know about school, don’t know anything at all. He self-taught himself the things that were necessary for his job through television and reading. He loved reading books. Steve would loan him whatever copy he had in the back that his father had left him after his death. From Hemingway to Woolf Louis had conditioned himself to heartbreak and literature. But he knew nothing and he told Harry as such.

  
“Maybe you’re right” Was the man's reply and his eyes had glued to Louis for a moment “I know somethings and one of them is that you know more than I do” In Louis' conquest to make Harry see his worth he had totally overlooked the possibility of the man doing the same exact thing to him. _Was he trying to make me see what he did? Or was I just another charity case in his growing list of charity cases?_ People pitied Louis for his life and he wouldn’t be surprised if Harry did too. How did he know though? How did he become so in tuned with Louis' life that he knew so much about his past? Then Louis thought it was too farfetched to think this man would treat him like that, treat anyone like that for that matter. But the idea of him actually caring was far more unbelieving than anything else and Louis refused to entertain such a possibility.


	2. Chapter 2

Louis never asked him about Sebastian after that night. It wasn’t because he didn’t care to know about him but if he did in fact ask, he was afraid of what he might have said. _Was I ready to hear about that part of his life and could I be able to keep my emotions and expressions at bay?_ Countless days Louis had yearned to know about this mystery person and finally he can put aside his curiosity because he knew who he was now. He had a name, though not a face to follow, Louis was contented with the little information he knew. However, Harry didn’t make it any easier. He seemed a little more open with mentioning his beau ever so often without accord. Their conversations were always drawing comparisons about what he would like to happen and what Sebastian thought about the entire thing. He never spoke about the things they did or have done but rather about what he would like to do and Sebastian disagreeing to it entirely. It had dawned on Louis how taunting it was that Harry demanded attention from this man and there was no way to get it. He was basically grasping at straws hoping Sebastian would reach him halfway. It is why for one reason Louis believed Harry loved performing. When he becomes a totally different person, or maybe he was wrong and Harry was completely himself on stage and the person he sees after the crowds had disappeared was the person he was hiding in. It made Louis appreciate their little outings a bit more after that.

Of course he tried his best to stay neutral about the whole scenario because how was he even supposed to answer him?

  
"Do you even care?" He had said to Louis one day when they were lounging by Montello’s hidden pond. It was barely mid- day and the sun hadn’t peak to its finest, the soft morning glow still lingered on his flawless face saved for the fact that he had an unbelievably deep sink in between his eyebrows. Louis had watched him chase his emotions almost like he was begging for him to say it, to speak it into words but he could not. For so many reasons Louis could not utter the truth that sits heavily on his tongue. _I care for you more than I have ever cared for anything or anyone._

  
“Is this why you never speak about your lovers? You simply do not care for anyone but yourself” The words did nothing to deter Louis. He had heard them once or twice before it made no difference coming from Harry's mouth. He was heartless and he was cold. _Why did it matter to him was my question. Did he care that I didn’t?_

  
“I’ve never been in love” He wanted to retract Louis could tell from the way he had lifted his head from the chair to look at him, or probably it was sheer shock that Louis had finally spoken to him about anything regarding his own life.

  
“Are you validating my statement?” He inquired and all Louis did was give a stiff nod. “You choose not to speak about them because you’ve never been in love? That is a foolish notion to live by. It does make you heartless.” Louis accepted the man's impression about his love life; about him. He valued what Harry thought of him and if he thought of him at all. It was the most he’s ever spoken about Louis in his own presence and in a way he craved more.  
“It is not a choice for me to speak about them but merely for the fact that there is nothing to speak of. They lacked spark with me and I did not feel anything. If me wanting a connection with someone and have failed thus far make me heartless then that I am.” Louis tried drowning his feelings at that moment by plunging into the cold water hoping that Harry didn’t take what he just said any deeper than he had intended it. Why did he even say that much about the topic was still a mystery but it felt freeing somehow? Louis could speak to the man about anything and that alone scared him.

  
He was already waiting for Louis to emerge from under the water. He handed him a towel without saying anything which made Louis think the storm was on its way and he did not want to be unprotected when it comes. He wanted to leave before he opens his mouth, before he felt that pitiful tone in his voice that would make him shatter inside. Louis did not want his sympathy and he did not want Harry to look at him as if he needed improving or that he was broken and he was the handy man ready to fix him up.

  
“Louis” He spoke and it is not the way Louis wished he said his name. There is that underlying tone of remorse in his voice and the raw emotion that he regrets saying what he had to Louis and he hated it, for what he feared had become a reality.

  
“Now, it is my choice to engage this conversation any further and I choose not to. Goodbye Harry.” He had left without as much as a glance back at him. He knew that day things would weigh heavy between them but Harry needed to understand even without Louis having to tell him. Somethings are just better left unsaid.

  
Louis hadn’t spoken to him in a couple days and he did nothing to pursue him either. In a way those days apart taught Louis one thing. He cannot live without the man. Any way possible he could have him would be better than the time Louis spent thinking of him and making up scenarios in his head about him.

 

**

  
Louis had the night shift that day and work was slow. It was a Sunday after all and most of the regulars were out with family or doing something far better than listening to old rock music on giant vinyls. He came in the store almost like a shadow or a ghost; so silent and untraceable. It was his scent that gave him away. Louis knew that scent like he knew his own, spent hours getting lost in it, reveling in it. He wasn’t alone though. There was another scent in the air. Strong and musty and filled with desire. He knew deep down that someday he had to come face to face with this man and he knew he would never be ready. He didn’t know what to say or how to even approach them. Does he wave?

  
Louis decided to stay stationed at the counter and hope they purchase something to save him from actually getting up to make an effort to meet them.

  
“Johnny Cash?” He heard the person say far too close to his range. Louis shifted his gaze from his book and out at the lanes to see Sebastian holding said Johnny Cash vinyl and looking almost scandalized that Harry would even choose something like this to buy. At first he had figured Harry probably knew he was there and he wanted it to be known that Sebastian was indeed present just to spite him because of his comment the last time, but then that didn’t only turn out to be untrue but also that Harry was oblivious to Louis' feelings for him. He gave no impression that he was interested in him and he told Harry that he's never felt that way before. He had no idea that Louis' heart beats (probably for the first time in forever) and it was because of him, so there was no way Harry was doing this to make him jealous even though he was. Incredibly so, at that too.

  
Johnny Cash brought him back to the time Harry had taken them to that little dive back from B. Does it also remind him of the same thing? He was interrupted by the same voice which happens to belong to Sebastian saying how he needed help picking a vinyl. Harry had finally laid his eyes on Louis and he seemed just as taken back as he had expected. He did not know Louis worked here. He didn’t have reason to mention what he did and Harry never asked.

  
The long pause from both of them obviously stirred suspicion with Sebastian. "You two know each other?" He had asked and Louis was not going to be the one to answer. He gave Harry the time he needed, if he chose to ignore his existence he would be alright with it, if he chose to say that Louis was a friend he'd be okay with that as well, an acquaintance, whatever, but when those words left his mouth it was the first time Louis felt any kind of real emotion beside jealousy and lust.

  
"Probably just a fan" Harry had said locking his gaze on Sebastian and refusing to meet Louis'. The response made him boil inside, the once dormant volcano becoming active once more but he had no right to get angry. Louis had not put a label on what they had so it was hypocritical of him to assume Harry had one.  _Was I even his friend?_ In a way he did not lie. Louis was a fan, he was always his biggest fan, but somehow hearing him mutter the words reduced Louis to nothing. _I was absolutely nothing to him and he didn’t seem to care how the words would affect me._

  
Louis nodded along when Sebastian had focused his hard glare his way. Clearly not pleased with another man being close with his lover – the thought made Louis laugh for he would have been the same if he ever had the chance to have Harry this way- who was this man and why was he always with you when you should be with me? He would possibly be a nuisance in their relationship. Until he figured out Sebastian has no idea about all the times Harry and him have shared together. He had no clue what they did and what they talked about. _Why was Harry trying to hide the fact that he knew me?_

  
Harry watched him the very same way he had that day by the pond. With remorse, always so sorry and looking down on him with pity. Louis loathed it. He did not feel an ounce of shame or hurt that Harry had reduced him to a stranger. It was a low blow sure, but it is what it is.

  
Louis tried smiling to indicate things were fine but Harry continued to stare even as Sebastian tugged on his hand toward the exit.  
Maybe this was for the best Louis thought, watching as he disappears out the door - an image he had grown accustomed to since he met the man. Always just _running_.

 

**

 

Maybe Louis wasn’t living his best life because he still had Harry on his mind, but those stray thoughts made him see things from a different perspective somehow.

  
Jacquelyn had pursued him for a long time but because he was foolish to even think Harry would even give him the time of day he had rejected her on several occasions. She was insistent even after and Louis admired her for that. He could never be that consistent. If a person has made up his mind then why should anyone try to change it? In a way Jacquelyn had changed his but when he looks back he'd like to think that he had always liked her and he was just avoiding it because of his obliviousness. Louis simply did not have the time to think of anything or anyone else besides Harry and he did not want to be that sort of person anymore. He was waiting for the impossible to happen when there were several opportunities right in front him that could potentially be his shot of happiness.

  
He had taken her to Montello’s where most of the people his age would go every weekend. They had a vast variety of dance music and a little dim lit dancefloor under the stars. Most girls thought it was quite romantic if a guy took them there, it was an added bonus if the guy took them to the partly hidden pond a few minutes away from Montello’s. Louis didn’t know what that said about his relationship with Harry since they would often spent their days over there. Again, he did not let the thoughts of Harry linger for too long. He was too consumed in his fantasies that insisted there was a possibility of Harry feeling the same way he did. Louis did not want to live in hopes of a possibility. It was idiotic and out of reach.

  
Of course Louis knew why she had suggested he take her to this place. All the girls were expecting their night at Montello’s to turn out only one way. With hopes that he would slip his hand to the dip in her back and pull her close to his chest. She would rest her head and comment on how she can hear his heartbeat which is just another ploy to graze her hands over him. Louis would smile and take a long look at her as if to question or ask permission to lean his head forward and capture her lips in a soft kiss. She would blush and run off to the crowded table where they sat their drinks on and pretend like the dancing wore her out and she needed to relax. He would walk over and discreetly ask if she wanted to go somewhere more private, a bit quieter and she would agree already knowing he would take her to the pond.

  
She’d take her clothes off without question and convince him to take a night swim with her. Of course he would agree and they'd swim for a bit, splashing around and laughing until she would hold him in that long pause again. She’d comment on the sky and how pretty the moon looked that night while he takes her head in his hand to kiss her again.  
They'd make love right on the shore, where the moon and stars were watching. They'd lie there for hours, probably smoke a few cigarettes until their bodies dried and the cold wind drove them away. He would kiss her when he dropped her off at her house promising to call her the next day. Then he'd go home and the realisation would hit him that what he did was just a distraction, it was the obvious outlet to get Harry out of his mind.

  
He would cry into his pillow knowing that there would be no other person who would make him feel this way. No other body that he would crave like his and no amount of distractions would make Louis forget him.

  
Jackie had called the next day when Louis had just woken up and went to the kitchen for tea. "I had a good time" she had said and then proceeded to ask what his plans were for the day and if he can fit her in his schedule. Louis agreed to meet her at the coffee shop down town.

  
She looked pretty that day he still remembers her auburn hair almost glistening in the sun paired with her perfect glossy smile. Things between him and her progressed rather quickly but at the same time it felt right. She had him in a daze with her knowledge. She was smart and enjoyed reading just as much as he did.

  
They often visited the pond on most days just so they can be away from it all. They read books all day, made love, she would invite him over to her place so she can cook for him, sometimes she would come over to his and when she left he would still smell her perfume on his sheets and on his skin. It was intoxicating and so new to him that he could connect with someone so quickly and with little effort. It scared Louis to think that this would not last, that it was something made up or some sort of experiment and somewhere in the back of his mind he was waiting for it to all end. He was waiting for her to one day realise what a mistake this was and to tell him that he was not the person she thought he was. She would realise that he was hiding something.

  
"What happened to your friend?" She simply asked one day when the rain was too heavy to go outside and they sat on the expensive leather chairs Jackie’s mum had in her house. Louis had gone a good few weeks without as much as a mention of him, though he often invaded his thoughts he never brought them to his lips nor did he utter his name for fear that if he spoke of him the pain would become more intense. Louis had no idea the other people in his life knew of Harry's existence. As much as he wanted to keep him a secret from the world the people around him notice the days when he would stay hours away from the bustling crowds and jam packed parties he had been invited to. Always choosing him, and then one day it all just stopped. Of course people noticed.

  
The only way Louis knew how to answer her question was to kiss her. He had nothing to say and he did not want to spend the rest of his day thinking about Harry.

  
She had suspected that the mention of him made Louis dolorous and it was one of the reasons he felt affection towards her. He didn’t need words to tell her how he felt, she read his expressions and understood.

  
After they made love and she had his wet cigarette butt on her rose coloured lips was when she muttered the following words to him.

  
“You care for him.” It was not even a question, she stated what she merely observed and Louis did not try to object or deny what she said. Sometimes he thought she read a bit too much into him and she was able to tell how he felt a bit too well. She had looked Louis in the eye waiting for him to stop his obvious fidgeting, a distraction trying to avoid the inevitable. He did not know how to reply to her but he had to. His silence would be a deceit on its own. “I do not want to get hurt.” He found it exorbitant that she would even utter such words to him but for her to actually derive at such notions made it hurt more than he bargained. _You have nothing to worry about,_ she had Louis wanting to say, _the only person getting hurt in this narrative is me, only me_. The words never left his mouth.

  
She left him to wallow away with her lingering words burning holes in his skull. _If she could speak of such things had I a fighting chance with Harry? Did she see that when I couldn’t?_  
He had a few more cigarettes hoping the smoke would burn away any uneasiness settling in his stomach. He was acting like a child, they both were, hiding behind façades and running from it all. Louis could tell Harry he wanted him, he could tell him he didn’t like Sebastian, that he wasn't right for him, he could tell Harry what he did when he wasn’t around, yet they both sat in silence while the thoughts swallowed them whole.

  
He just need to get him out of his system he kept telling myself, surely this was nothing but lust, a burning desire for another body, yet Jackie’s words were still echoing in his head and the way she implied Louis' feelings towards him. _It couldn’t possibly be that I was in love with him_. Louis didn’t know what love was to begin with so he did not know how it felt or when he was feeling it or if he was feeling it.

  
Still he held on a little longer to the obvious reason he was always in a mood when it involved Harry. Louis needed him. No, he wanted him.  
He didn’t know anymore.

  
Harry came around eventually. Louis was sitting on the same high stool by the cash register with the same copy of Jacob’s Room when he approached him. “How’ve you been?” he said while tapping his fingers rather vigorously on the counter top. Louis knew he was nervous but it showed him the amount of courage he had to seek him out, to be the one to break this little fight they were in and become the bigger person to end it. Louis didn’t look at him when he gave his response simply because he was too afraid to fall back into a daze when he saw his eyes. The spell they had that would instantly lead Louis' actions astray. He needed a clear mind if he wanted to be able to face Harry again.

  
“I’ll just take this to go please” Hastily he followed with those words which shattered any intention Louis had to not look directly at him. His head snapped to Harry's direction to see him still fidgeting on the spot with his head casted down and away from Louis. Foolishly, Louis thought he came here seeking his forgiveness or that he wanted to make things right between them but instead he presented him with the same Johnny Cash record from last time and a hurt expression that read all too well that Louis shouldn’t question any of it. He wanted to pretend that what was happening to them didn’t exist and just as Louis had feared the man had reduced him back into a mere stranger. He had become like any other faceless person in the crowd to him.

  
Louis had to keep telling himself that he was too good to _cry in front of him, that he had no right showing how Harry made him feel in that instance. He didn’t deserve my tears, his ability to make me hurt had surpassed all my other feelings I thought I had for him._ He was a cruel man just like Louis' initial thoughts of him. He doesn’t care that he hurts others, he doesn’t care about anyone but himself. Louis felt something close to bile rise to the base of his throat as he continues to watch into his hard green eyes across the counter. Somewhere deep down he believed the man who revealed bits and pieces of himself to him was there but he would be a fool to stay and wait for him.

  
_Harry was not mine and he would never be mine._


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chappie introduces a bit of Harry's side of the story.

 

Clueless. Childish. Stubborn. Some of the countless adjectives he would use to describe Louis Tomlinson. The boy lacked structure and he had zero tolerance for pain, sorrow and all the other stimulating emotions that allow one to feel like they were simply not good enough. Harry thought he was just like him, misunderstood and often times lonely. He thought he understood what it meant to finally have silence that wasn’t deafening and company that wasn’t draining. Where you were in charge of your emotions and everything didn’t seem mechanical and forced.

He couldn’t hide the obvious when it came to Louis though. Louis knew him better than anyone ever did and he supposes vice versa. He was excellent in hiding his raw emotions when it came to revealing his past or any aspect concerning his own life but always wanted to push narratives onto others and ensure they were the ones not experiencing discomforting words or actions. At first he had taken Louis' alleged sincere gratitude to be something none other than curiosity and Harry didn’t blame him. He was a social butterfly in the eyes of his fans and to the media. They painted him in such a way that it didn’t give the real person that he was a time to shine. He often didn’t say much about the way people perceived him, the image comes with the job, a lot of people in the industry had told him that before he even made it where he was today.

  
It was simply his duty to withhold the standard of the job description. With Louis he didn’t see him as some oversexualised rock star that lives on drugs and groupies. He was still learning to perform and though he had all these people murmur to him about the way he should do this and act like that, Louis' presence was such a new breath of fresh air. Harry missed it. Louis reminded him of a time when he was not part of this world, when it was just him and his twelve string guitar. When he would go to the hilltop overlooking B. to play when the sun was just about to set. He would sit for hours watching the orange sky turn into darkness, the pretty picture drifted his thoughts and inspired him to write some of the songs he now performs today.

  
Being around Louis made him the person he wanted to be, the person when he looks in the mirror and see. He didn’t have to crack a smile because he was obligated to nor did he have to fit the norm of a spoken rule that the masses demanded from him. He was himself whenever he was with Louis. It never seemed like enough though, Harry craved him like a drug and he used him for his own selfish desires. He chased the emotions within himself that kept calling out to the sixteen year old with big dreams. Here he was the man he had feared when he was a child, he was the epitome of the person he never intended to become. Louis made him feel grounded, he made Harry feel like home.

  
He was after him only because he served this purpose, his presence was like a reminder to Harry, like a distant memory he was desperately clinging on to. His current lifestyle washed away most of the boy he was and he was trying to remember who he was.  
Sometimes Louis would look at him and all he thought of was how he would potentially destroy this boy's youth, his innocence if he continues to be part of his life but he couldn’t for the life of him watch Louis leave. He could not have let him go.

  
Harry knew he was leading him on, that he was giving Louis the idea of having a chance with him. He could not think that if he asked Louis to pluck the moon out of the sky that he would without any hesitation. He looked at Harry like he mattered, that he could possibly be good enough with being himself. Like Harry didn’t have to put on a charade and create a persona to make people interested in who he was, or to make them stay.  
“You always touch your nose when you’re about to lie.” He said to Harry one night after driving back from the hilltop overlooking B. He said it with such ease, like it didn’t take much to look at Harry and notice these habits he thought he was being subtle about. Harry didn’t provide him with an answer, Louis often rendered him speechless with his ramblings but it was always refreshing since Harry preferred to listen to him talk anyway.  
That night Harry watched him sleep, always glancing to the seat across from him to see Louis curled up with a permanent frown between his eyebrows. It made Harry smile. It made him think that no one would ever deserve someone like Louis. No one was worthy, yet he didn’t seem to see what Harry did.

  
He knew bringing Sebastian into their little bubble was a tragedy waiting to happen. He wanted to be that person to Louis just for a little while longer but Harry knew the boy was curious as to why he was nearly always occupied or why he would always sneak out when he invited him over. Harry had to tell him someday.

  
“Sometimes I think you don’t even like Sebastian” Harry just had to ask because Louis was always so guarded whenever he brought him up in a conversation. He remembered Louis keeping a small smile on his face before he replied. _I begged to know what he was thinking and what he thought of me. I wanted to hear him say it even though I knew how he felt. I needed him to tell me I was important to him and that I was good enough with being myself._

  
“Sometimes I think the same thing” Harry did not know what he intended by that response. _Did he agree with my statement or was he implying that I didn’t like Sebastian?_  
It happened several times and at that specific point in time Harry thought nothing of it. Looking back at it now he understood. _He was in love with me_.

  
Though through it all Harry felt nothing. He had Sebastian, he made him happy and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with him but with Louis he couldn’t quite explain it but he simply could not imagine his life without him.

  
“You’re coming to the show tonight right? I have your name on my guest list” He was always smiling when he looked at Harry and it churned his stomach all the wrong ways. _What was I even doing to this boy? I hated myself for being the carrot dangling in front this poor hungry rabbit’s face._

  
“I can’t make it to this one. Do accept my deepest apologises but I have a date tonight” Harry wanted to ask who he could have possibly kept a secret from him all this time. Why didn’t he tell me? Who was this person taking away all his time with me?  
Harry felt defeated, knowing Louis wasn’t in the crowd set him off and the other people that were part of his crew knew the negative energy he was exerting had transferred onto them as well.

  
“You’re a bit off. This whole song is off. What is the matter with you?” A perfectionist at best some would call him. He never joked about his job. Harry wanted to simply put out the best whether he was in a dazed mood or he had one of those days where he just wanted to give up. They saw through his act and he could not explain why he was feeling the way that he did. Having no idea what Louis was doing right now and who he was with made something nasty coil to the pits of his stomach.

  
He was supposed to be in the crowd cheering Harry on and singing along to _his_ songs.

 

**

  
He came back with love bites on his neck. It was a foolish attempt to make Harry jealous and he almost laughed in his face when he saw the pathetic darken blotches spread across his skin and that he chose to wear a low cut t shirt just to make sure it was seen.  
He was trying to show Harry what he was missing out on and what he could be doing to him if Louis were his, yet Harry felt absolutely appalled that Louis thought so lowly of him. He was in a steady relationship with a man he's known for most of his life. Harry did not have feelings for another man. Not physically nor emotionally.

  
Louis watched him like he was expecting him to say something, he was begging for Harry to notice the marks on his collarbones that wasn’t his. He wanted Harry to react and he couldn’t give him that satisfaction. Harry wanted to scuff from the mere thought of him thinking he can even make him jealous this way and not for the fact that Harry was even capable of experiencing that emotion.

  
Sebastian had asked him on several occasions about Louis and what was Harry even supposed to say? He didn’t need Sebastian thinking up things that were simply not true. He wanted to keep Louis away from it all and he thought it would be better if he did not exist to anyone else but him.

  
“He stares at you” Sebastian had leaned over while the music wailed from the speakers all around the crowded room. It was the first time Harry had invited Sebastian on a night out and he agreed without any excuse. Louis of course was there and he should have known since it was Sienna’s idea.

  
The bar was a nice touch of old meets new with the occasional dreary art faded on the chipped painted walls. Louis was sitting across from them and while Sienna kept him in conversation Harry's eyes often stayed in his direction to see Louis' gaze flicker to catch his. Every time their eyes met he looked away instantly trying to engross himself totally into what Sienna was saying but Harry knew Louis desperately wanted to continue looking at him.

  
It was a bit of tug and pull trying to explain to Sebastian after that Louis wasn’t just a fan. He wasn’t exactly pleased that Harry had told this little fib but he did accept that he knew Louis because of Sienna.

  
Sebastian was right though, Louis’ eyes couldn’t leave Harry's for the entirety of the night but so did his. Harry watched as Sienna tugged his hands and led him to the corner of the bar to dance to a song she claimed she loved. Louis was smiling leaning in to whisper into her ear. They looked comfortable enough but Harry knew nothing was happening between them. Sienna could not be the one who left his collarbones such a mess. She was Louis' business partner and Harry was almost certain Sienna did not swing that way. She was just like them. It still didn't help the fact that Harry was jealous.

  
When they came back to the table Harry had already taken the liberty to order another round of their respective drinks for them.

  
“That’s mine” Sebastian’s loud voice echoed in his ear. Harry looked across and saw Louis holding Sebastian’s disgusting drink in his hand. Who even drinks whiskey neat?  
Louis’ face was twisted horribly and it made Harry titter trying to hide his laugh. Sebastian shot him a hard glare but he couldn’t help but think of how effortlessly funny he thought Louis was. Why did it make him feel light inside?

  
“You can have it. That’s horrid. How do you even keep that down?” Louis questioned shoving the drink Sebastian’s way. Of course he scuffed and signaled the bartender to send another instead.

“Harry darling, can you escort a lady to the rest room please?” Sienna was playing with fire and he knew what she was trying to do. Harry didn't know her well enough for bathroom privileges, they met because they both loved art. As much as she was a mere acquaintance and more of a close friend to Louis, Harry knew she just wanted to have Louis and Sebastian by themselves. For whatever reason, he doesn't know but with Sienna's eyes practically burning holes into his face he didn't have time to dwell too much on the thought. He gently squeezed Sebastian’s thigh before getting out his seat to hold Sienna’s hand.  
She took a good few minutes in there but when she finally emerged she seemed almost relieved to see him still waiting for her by the door. Harry was nothing but a gentleman and somehow it still shocked people that such men existed.

  
“You’re a good friend Harry” She hooked her hands around his neck taking him down a little and putting a strain on his back. “I need some fresh air” He escorted her outside for a bit.  
He watched as she lit up her cigarette and took several pulls before she suddenly turned to him and questioned. “Are you happy?” She dismissed him when he stood shocked that she would disrespect him with such a question. It was clear then that her plan wasn't to get Louis and Sebastian alone but rather for her to be alone with him. “I would only be making myself a fool.” She said twirling but seeming unaffected by the obvious sour scowl present on Harry's face. He did not know where this was going but he knew he did not want to hear it. “We allude to things we think we deserve, love like we think we should and live like we’re limited.” She stumped her cigarette and walked over to him with a pointed finger. “We settle.” Harry was done with her immatureness. He did not understand for an instant why she was bombarding him with inspiration talk and why she was implying such things to him. He moved to step back inside the bar but her hand grabs at his bicep keeping him in place. “Don’t settle Harry.” She let go of his hand suddenly pushing her way so she can walk through the door before him. Harry stood there for a moment trying to let her words sink into his senses.

_Was I really confined to a certain way of life and had I been blinded of things that I truly deserve?_

  
He didn’t let it stick to him for very long. Harry was happy and that was enough.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do you think everything happens for a reason or is it just coincidence?

It was possibly the dreariest five minutes of Louis' life. He has seen inanimate objects with more personality than Sebastian. There he sat tapping his fingernails against his thighs and trying his best to sing along to the songs playing on the speakers.

  
Louis tried engaging him in conversation but he simply did not want to have anything to do with him. Why did he care to patronize Harry’s lover anyway? _He was nothing to me and his views on me wouldn’t change nor will mine on him._

  
The only thing Louis could have concluded that night however was that Harry deserved so much better. And he wasn’t just saying that because he thought he would be that man Harry wanted him to be but because Harry had such a personality that shouldn’t be kept secret. Sebastian was hiding Harry when he shouldn't.

  
“Darling I just saw Nicholas across the bar. You remember Nicholas right?” Louis knew he was using this tactic to try and get a rise out of him. As soon as Harry and Sienna came back to the table Sebastian stood up to kiss him chaste on the lips and rest his hands firmly on his lap when he sat. Louis looked over at Sienna who was almost ready to throw up right on the table and it made his mood a bit lighter knowing he wasn’t the only one who felt this way.

  
“Can we leave? I’m not really feeling it anymore.” Harry had shied away from Sebastian’s touch and watching the spectacle unfold in front of Louis' eyes was a lot more to take in as opposed to if someone had told him that “Harry was upset and this time it was with Sebastian.” In other terms you had to be there to believe it.

  
“You’re leaving? We haven’t even made it through karaoke hour as yet.” He tried to school his face into something pleasant but the way Harry was watching him suggested otherwise. Louis did not want him to leave and though he came to terms with the one sided affections he still wanted Harry in his presence.

  
“Just stop” Sebastian, much to Louis' surprise stood up to tower his lean figure across the table to stare down at him. He didn’t think about the other actions following that but he knew he stood up as well and next thing he knew Sebastian was fisting his collar, rumpling his neatly ironed jacket.

  
“Sebastian!” Harry yelled trying to prize his hands off.

  
“Get off him you bastard!” Sienna was off her chair in seconds and Louis knew their little spectacle had drawn in some much needed attention from the fellow patrons in the bar.  
“Are you really defending him?” His voice was low but since he stood so close to Louis' face he heard every word. Harry did not answer. Louis himself was limited in speech since he had no clue what he could have possibly done to entice this man that would lead him with a strong grip on his expensive jacket.

  
“I’m going to have ask you gentlemen to leave” the voice is what broke his gaze away from Harry’s confused expression. It was the security from the front door. That was the only reason Sebastian let go of Louis' clothing. He made the mistake of expressing his dilemma by trying to laugh it off. There was no other way he could have voiced this ridiculous occurrence. It was actually laughable that this man wanted to beat him to a pulp with zero reasoning.

  
Of course Sebastian took his laughter differently and rushed back into the bar to get in one quick and expecting punch to his jaw. He'd say the night ended well over his expectations.  
Some other times when Louis had to stay home to nurse his bruised jaw he would think about the incident and a chuckle would rip from inside him. Louis still did not understand Sebastian's anger towards him.

  
He should have known that his interactions with Harry thereafter would come to a halt. It did take a drastic effect on Louis' behaviour and though he tried to make things subtle he was simply not fooling anyone.  
His sleepless nights and the unbearable sorrow rippling through him is what had forced him to evacuate London on such short notice.

  
He could not stay there any longer.

  
“It’s a perfect opportunity, one I cannot pass up on” Louis had argued to Sienna when he first broke the news to her. According to her, he was running from his problems instead of staying and facing them head on. He tried that before and it got him a bruised jaw. It wasn’t exactly a confrontation but it would seem that Louis was obvious with his feelings for Harry with everyone but with him. He had to simply accept the fact that Harry was not interested in him and he had to move on.

  
“Yes but Louis my dear why now?” She had argued watching as he fixed her favourite drink in her extravagant bar. Rich people, honestly.

  
It wasn’t his intention to just up and leave the country coincidently following his incident with Harry and Sebastian. He had been in the planning stages of this project and to finally hear word on it was a dream come true. Leaving early was his choice but it would have happened eventually. Louis was just speeding up the process.  
Louis' whole life has been predictable. He got up every morning doing the same thing. Go to work and back home like a robot. He had no purpose and it felt like every day he was just existing.

  
“You are purposely excluding yourself from him.” Louis knew the whole issue with Sienna was that she too saw through his soul and it showed her how he felt for Harry, but for once he was not the one to hold accountable for what had transpired between them.  
“You know how much this means to me. You of all people know that this is out of my control.” She looked at him with such sympathy and Louis knew she understood.  
“I just wish you had told him” Looking back at that moment now Louis had to agree with her. He should have told him how he felt but he didn’t. He had no right to. He was with another man and he showed zero interest in Louis. He did not want to be that sort of person.

  
Louis didn’t think it really mattered at the time. Sienna had put the topic at rest and he remembered they lounged about on her sofa getting drunk off gin and tonic just like always.

 

**

 

It was almost over a year that Louis had been to this place. New beginnings and all that, but it didn’t feel like he was starting over. He was still attached to things that held him down. He was still connected to home and the people that came with it.

  
Jacquelyn had come to visit him the following week. She looked the same, always so beautiful and glowing, she carried the same homey smell when she touched him; the familiarity of it all made him smile.

  
However, the memories clawed at every inch of his brain and body.

_What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t help that I still thought of him._

_  
I wonder how he’s doing and if he’s thinking of me? Did he wonder the same about me? Did he even know that I had left?_

  
Jackie was the only thing or person rather, that still linked Louis to England. She talked about the dreary weather and the cold evenings she spent drinking tea, she spoke about her new job and how Montello’s had closed their doors after thirty long years of establishment.  
Days here kept repeating and it made him feel like he was just in existence once more, like nothing had changed in his life when he expected it to. He thought coming here would improve but it only served to make his mood more drastic than before. Though, the opportunity did make his life progress he was still the same hidden boy with unresolved issues. He was still the boy who was in love with someone he couldn’t have. He was still the boy that held so much hope. He was still the boy that wished the world for Harry and all the success.

  
Of course as time progressed he saw the articles and the news. Harry was doing well and Louis was happy. More people knew his name and he was doing what he loved. He was always such a fantastic performer. Though, Louis felt the fire burn inside that almost calls out to Harry, he often pretended that everything was fine and that he wasn't experiencing such pain.

  
Louis watched blankly at the walls as Jackie sucked him off on her knees, desperately trying to draw any kind of emotion he had left. He was a mess, he knew, but how could he have brought himself to tell her that she did nothing for him, that what she thought was pleasure was just an outlet he used to stay satisfied, that every time she left he sat there hating himself for being that cruel to her, that he cried trying and failing to stop thinking of him. Like a disease he infected Louis and it was simply ruled out as incurable.  
What was he to do other than wish?

  
Wish that it was another day and wish that Harry was here with him, that he didn’t have to touch himself and imagine it was Harry, that he didn’t cry himself to sleep thinking what he needed to do in order to make Harry see.

  
Sam eventually came in the picture and at the perfect time. Louis didn’t know how much longer he would have lived if he was by himself with thoughts of Harry swallowing him bit by bit.

  
He met Sam at his Monday evening yoga classes of all places. Sienna had told him that meditating helps and he decided to give it a try. And he's glad he joined otherwise he would have never met the possible love of his life.

  
Sam was a bit older than Louis was and had knowledge beyond his years. He was successful and handsome but most importantly he liked Louis. He thought that this was it, this was the turning point in his life, the moment where he realises that Harry was just a phase and he could finally put the past behind him and give his all to Sam. Louis truly felt happy with him.  
“I’m so glad you agreed to come with me tonight.” Sam said while he bends to sweetly place a kiss to his hands. He was too good for Louis, always polite and made him feel light inside. “I know you’d rather be at home stuffing your face with take - out but this means a lot to me baby.” Louis had smiled trying to show him that he really was trying.  
It was a fund raising event for sick children and he knew he couldn’t refuse. Sam sat next to Louis the whole night keeping light conversation with the people that approached him, always soothingly rubbing his hands on Louis' thighs to possibly let him know he was not forgotten.

  
“I know this is not your sort of thing but do you have to look so bored?” Sam chuckles leaning in to whisper the words in his ear. Louis felt his breath on his face and it warmed something inside him.

  
Sam knew there was something that kept Louis guarded but he didn’t push. He was patient with him and though at times it felt like Louis owed it to him to say why he was this way he also knew Sam only wanted what he was ready to give him. Which is why Louis cared so dearly for him.

  
“I could be doing better things right now Mr. Locker.” He did not intend for his words to have some sort of innuendo attached to them but it made Sam smile regardless and leant further to place a chaste kiss to his lips.

  
“Excuse me is this seat taken?” The stranger had forced Sam to unlink them from the small cocoon they were in.

  
“Of course not. Help yourself.” Sam smiled standing to pull out the chair for the stranger and his companion.

  
“Thank you” the man says as he’s seated next to Louis. “Jeffrey, kind sir.” He takes Sam’s hand in greeting and then his own. “Jeffrey Azoff and this is my fiancé Glenne.” He introduces them to the remarkably pretty maiden sat to his side. She flashed them a pearly white smile that matched the dazzling dress she wore and extended her hand lazily. “Pleasure boys.” She purrs locking gaze a little longer on Sam that made Louis immediately decide that he disliked her.

  
“Samuel Locker” he replies kissing the woman’s hand. “And this is…” it had just occurred to Louis that he never defined their relationship. They spent most days with each other, he was practically living in Louis' apartment yet they had not established with each other or even acknowledge the B word when it came to them.

  
He looked at Louis and he knew if he drew out the response it would be called out as a lie so he responded locking his gaze on Sam. “His partner, Louis Tomlinson.” The pair gave each other knowing looks before smiling at them and nodding.

  
“I don’t suppose you know who’s performing tonight?” Samuel was ever the social butterfly. He always loved being the person to start a conversation and to avoid the awkward silence that sits in the air with a group of strangers.

  
Jeffrey of course laughs, loud and raucous and asked, “Have you not seen the invite?” It stirred something nasty in Louis because it showed that these people were the rich folks who got invited to this event to boast about the amount of money they donated to the charity and not exactly doing anything. Sam on the other hand worked for the company. He was actively involved in the organization and proceedings but when it came to such things as asking a pretty celebrity to be added to the list to help the charity gain recognition he was in the dark.

  
“I work for Smith Robinson” is all Sam says and leaves it at that.

  
“Well I can personally attest that the performer will be mind-blowingly good” He probably doesn’t even know the difference between Dixieland and Classic jazz. Sam had told him often times that most of their charity events consisted of jazz music and champagne. Extravagant dresses and even more extravagant pockets. Louis knew a thing or two about jazz so it's why he doesn't hesitate to scuff when Jeffrey made his comment. Then again he’s rich maybe he does know the difference. Rich people like jazz right? Louis wanted to slap himself for drawing that stereotype but he didn’t have the time as he can feel the woman’s eyes boaring into his soul. She sure would have noticed his obvious distaste for her so called fiancé by now, Louis was never subtle they told him after all, and he didn’t care. He caught himself chortling under his breath thinking he’ll replace you soon darling to the woman but extending his hand to squeeze at Sam’s resting on the edge of the table.  
“Good night folks and welcome to our sixth annual Smith Robinson’s charity ball. My name is Arthur Guinness and I will be your host this evening." Louis could tell the fake from the real just by scouring the room. Polished fingers barely touching, high chins pointed to the sky, eyes focused on the monitor and not the actual corner where the organizers have made a collage of all the children that was part of the drive and needed help. "Firstly, I would like to thank all the donors tonight” at that Jeffrey claps interrupting the silence on the table. “Secondly there is no way this can be possible if it wasn’t for the kind people involved in the organization here at Smith Robinson so thank you for your continued support." Louis smiled locking eyes with Sam knowing how hard he had been on himself to get this event on the way. To finally see everything play out and Sam's face to settle on satisfied was good enough for Louis. "And lastly as the night progresses I will keep you lovely people updated on the amount of money we have raised.”

  
“I heard last year we raised almost $400,000.” It was Glenne who spoke to the table which no one took heed of her.

  
“So in the mean time I’d like to introduce the house band and performer for the night. Give a warm welcome to Harry Styles and the heartbreakers!” The crowd erupts in cheers and loud claps but Louis felt himself drowning. He was sinking, so deeply without accord as he tries to convince himself that it was simply not the words he heard. He couldn’t look at the stage much less perform the act of simply breathing. It cannot be him, the world was cruel and it played nasty tricks with him. Louis looked on as Jeffrey got off his seat clapping, to Sam who was speaking to him but he couldn’t possibly hear a word he said and then to Glenne who simply touched her polished hands together with her eyes trained on the stage.  
He felt himself getting pulled slowly into a deep abyss with the unknown, filled with nothing but emptiness and darkness. Constant thoughts of uncertainty and the fear of not knowing what could come next. His chest heaved taking all the air that was left in his body. He closed his eyes, for the darkness felt like a much better place to be at in that moment.  
As much as the yearning voice in him called out and begged him to turn around, to open his eyes and look to the stage, please his senses with his breath taking beauty and fill his void with every waking inch of just Harry, he simply could not. He did not allow himself this sweet pain. Sam knew something was happening to Louis, could feel his hand on his thigh, he can hear his muffled voice echoing in his head but the only resounding voice Lous heard, the only face he saw was Harry’s.

  
He stood just as his voice carried through the microphone, hearing it and thinking of hearing it was two completely different things and now that this was happening it was an overload for Louis, a bit too much to handle and he couldn’t take it, he had to leave.

  
“Where are you going?” Sam shouted trying to catch Louis' hand to make him stop. He couldn’t, _please just let me go, please don’t make me turn around and look at him_. He pleaded silently as he felt the tears trickle down his cheeks. His fists clenched together and he can still hear his voice in his head, louder and closer somehow. Louis was shaking and on the verge of collapsing.

  
Sam let him go.

  
He ran.

  
He let the cool breeze calm his burning core as it seeps into his rapidly beating heart to slow it down. He felt himself breath again as he takes in the night’s sky and the bustling streets, loud strangers passing by not having a clue he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown probably. It felt like he had no control over his emotions or his senses and his body was working against him. His legs protested when he tried to walk and his mouth felt numb when he felt the need to voice his concerns to Sam, his heart palpitated as if it was ready to burst through his chest yet somehow he was standing here in the middle of the pavement with a giant grin on his face. It felt like he had conquered himself and it was an accomplishment to be standing here rather than giving in and staying inside. Maybe he was truly insane.

  
“Louis what’s wrong? You just ran out. Are you okay?” He should have expected that he wouldn’t be alone for any longer than he had intended. Sam appeared through the doors locking his arms around Louis' cold body and gently stroking at his hair.

  
“I promise I’m fine I just felt a bit overwhelmed. Needed some fresh air.”

  
“It’s freezing, you’re shivering.” He hadn’t notice with his mind preoccupied but when he glanced down at his hands it turned almost bluish. Sam said nothing further but carried them back to the door, back to that room, the same room Harry was in. No, Louis couldn’t possibly go back in there. Not in Sam’s arms, not with the risk of Harry seeing him with another. He didn’t quite understand why he felt this way, Harry probably didn’t even care who he was with much less care if he was still alive.

  
“Is it okay if I stay by the bar for a bit? I still feel a bit woozy” he tried to compromise with Sam, if he wasn’t so close to the stage then maybe he wouldn’t be so affected. With the view from the bar the stage was hardly noticeable and the half - drunk people cancelled out the voices around.

  
“I have to stay at the table Lou, Mr. Robinson should be here soon.” He squeezed his hand and placed a quick peck to Sam's lips.

  
“You go back I’ll join you in a few.” He didn’t question Louis but the look on this face was almost pleading to come back with him. Louis watched him walk back to the table where Jeffrey had now moved to occupy the seat next to his wife shifting Sam further to the end; his back away from the stage. There were people swaying and he heard the slight chime of a slow melodious tune, the guitar most prominent. Louis could picture him even though he couldn’t see him. Standing to the center of the stage with the same twelve string guitar strapped over his shoulders, he’s probably wearing something glittery and flashy like always and it made Louis smile.

  
“Anything for you sir?” the bartender pulled him out of his short daydream as he relayed some order at the top of his head to the man.  
The sounds seemed to stop and as rows of people start getting up from their chairs he knew his set was over. Just as the crowd started getting heavy by the bar he made his way over to look for Sam.

  
“Well you have to meet my other half he’s quite fond of music. He doesn’t know but I found his notebook filled with lyrics, the old sap” Sam was saying and Louis didn’t have to wait for the crowd to clear to see who he was talking to. He felt it, he knew it, and the world worked in mysterious ways and even though we try to hide from things it always gets brought to light.

  
“And here he is. Come on darling I want you to meet someone.” Sam took his hand while he managed to stay with his head casted to the floor. “This is Louis, the one I’ve been telling you about. Louis this is Harry he was the performer this evening.” It took Louis a few seconds to actually pull himself out of that state and muster up some sort of strength to look him in the eye. As much as he was terrified of seeing him after so long Louis didn’t want their first interaction to be that Harry saw how miserable he made him. He didn’t want Harry to know he was pathetic and still thought of him.

  
“P-Pleasure” His voice held uncertainty and it sounded so soft and cracked. Could it have been that he felt even an inkling of utter despair knowing that I was in front of him after so many months? Then again it could have just been surprise and unexpectedness that made his voice waver just the tiniest bit.

  
“I was just telling Harry here about your passion for music darling. I quite liked his set tonight. I especially enjoyed the song about the ghosts was it?” Harry chuckled and it felt forced. Louis did not look at him nor made the attempt to return his gesture of greeting. He always knew him to be a man behind a mask, always hiding and never really here or there. It had brought Louis back to that night in Montello’s and transitioning to the many times Harry took him to the hill overlooking B. The contrast of the two persons, one with the world on his shoulders, a trapped and lonely person who wanted to be heard as compared to a person of adventure who had the world in the palm of his hands if only he would allow himself to have it. Louis had seen the many shades of Harry yet the one standing in front him right now was by far his least favourite.

  
“If you don’t mind I have to refill my glass” Louis finally spoke letting his eyes flitter to Sam’s who was totally oblivious to his obvious discomfort with the present situation.  
“No worries my dear, I’ll get you a drink. Stay here and converse. Can I get you something Harry?” Harry shook his head and before Louis could protest Sam was weaving his way into the crowds leaving Harry and him standing there rather awkwardly.

  
“So this is where you’ve been.” He spoke slowly and cautiously looking out at the distance. It was hard at that point not to stare at him. He looked the same way Louis knew him to look, flawless and beautiful. Always glowing. He could already feel the tears prick at his eyes and Louis had no clue why it was making him this emotional. “Sam seems nice.” It was a non - Harry thing to say. To Louis those three words felt mocking somehow, like he was trying his best to be nice about it, like he knew if he said more he would expose the truth, _tell me the truth; what is the truth?_

  
“He’s the best.” Louis had no filter at that point and it didn’t occur to him what he was doing or rather trying to do. _Was I trying to make him jealous? Or did I in fact swell with pride because of the person I knew Sam was?_ All Louis knew was that he wanted him to feel something.

  
“Louis Tomlinson” It was Jeffrey who had interrupted their little stare down. He came to stand next to Harry patting him on the back. Glenne saddled up close to him linking her hands in Harry’s. “I see you’ve met Harold.”

  
“You two know each other?” Harry asked Jeffrey while instantly squeezing the hand that Glenne held.

  
“We sat at the same table. Ran off before you could even start" Louis could feel his stomach drop with Jeffrey's words, "when he was asking who was performing in the first place, the tit.” He tauntingly relayed and the seconds Louis stood there he felt smaller that he was to begin with. Harry was watching him carefully and it burned. He could feel him looking into his soul, looking pass this shell that revealed _yes I ran because I knew it was you._ “Where did that man of yours run off to? Is this a regular thing with you two?” Jeffrey continued to joke and Louis refused to look at Harry.

  
“I suppose we could retire for the night my dear. It’s a shame poor Harold didn’t get a pretty little accessory to take home.” Glenne spoke unclasping her hand from Harry to join Jeffrey’s. Pretty accessory? Certainly she couldn’t possibly be talking about jewelry? Harry had all his fingers occupied by chunky rings and he wore multiple chains around his neck, occasionally Louis remembered the gold faced watch that occupied his left wrist.  
“It’s a shame really. See anything that catch your eye?” Jeffrey half whispers and it made Louis want to look at Harry. He was still staring at him, a slow smile appearing on his face. Oh, she meant that kind of accessory. Just from the phrasing of things Louis instantly decided he didn’t like this pair, for someone to actively call someone an “accessory” was degrading to say the least. It shows how rich people can practically do anything they wanted if it means flashing their money in people’s faces.

  
He wasn’t sure if he spoke after that but he knew he had to leave. He walked off in hopes that it was where he ended all ties with Harry. He found Sam still crowded by the bar calling over people’s shoulders trying to catch the bartender’s attention. When he saw Louis he knew better than to try and ask what had happened. He took his hand silently and escorted Louis outside. The slight pang of disappointment as he stood at the curb waiting for a taxi hoping Harry would walk out the door and come looking for him was overpowering somehow. Again he has made himself a fool for entertaining such a notion and he hated himself for it.


	5. Chapter 5

A few weeks later Sam came to Louis' apartment and like always they sat on his old dusty sofa eating take out. It was customary that they talked about their week and though Sam often prodded Louis into telling him how far along he was on his project he kept it quite silent as he himself didn’t know the answer to that question.

  
Sam was hesitating as he picks up the last slice of pizza on the table trying hard to keep his focus on the television set.

  
“What’s wrong?” Louis immediately finds himself asking since he couldn’t even look him in the eye at this point.

  
“Before you get angry I just want you to know it wasn’t my fault it just sort of happened.” Louis huffed in annoyance trying to think of the many possible reasons how Sam can betray him. Nothing seemed unforgivable unless…

  
“Just look at it” He produced an unsealed off-white envelope from his pocket and slid it into Louis' awaiting hands. The stamp with a signature “J.”

 

**_You are cordially invited to a dinner party!_  
Hosted by:  
Jeffrey Azoff & Glenne Cristianssen.  
Saturday, August 12th, 2018 from 6pm – 10:30pm.  
The Ritz Carlton.  
504 Walton Road, California.**

 

“Why would this upset me?” Louis questioned waving the paper in his face. Truth be told he was seething but Sam didn’t need to know the reason behind it.

  
“I know you don’t like them but darling Jeffrey is a big time manager here. Owns full stop management. You know the one. They make millions with the artists they sign and I just thought it would be nice having connections in the music industry since you did tell me once that-“

  
“Stop it” Louis cut him off. “I have no interest in music” The silence stretched on, the only sound was the faint voices that carried on in the set.

  
“Could we still go? It will be fun to get out at least?” He was asking for too much and though he has no idea the strength of storm Louis had brewing inside because of this simple gesture he couldn’t possibly tell him as such. And why he was this ticked off by a measly invitation. Of course if he goes Harry would be there. It made sense. Jeffrey was Harry’s manager.

 

  
He couldn’t believe he stood outside this grand place with Sam and his blinding smile. He's heard about the Ritz, all the fancy people have parties here and it’s where they spend most of their time.

  
Jeffrey greeted them first and introduced the pair to the small crowd of people he previously held conversations with. Everyone seemed nice, rich and stuck up but nice nonetheless. Louis was certainly not trying to entertain himself and going mad just by looking at the entrance to see when Harry would make his appearance, of course not. He didn’t care if Harry was here or not.

  
Sam brought several drinks for him in the space of half an hour and after that he had disappeared as always to engage persons into senseless conversations and it was alright because that was who he was. Likeable and he exhibited an aura that no one could resist but getting drawn to him.

  
Even though Louis hated these types of things, the people and their lifestyles, he had to appreciate how beautiful the place was. All gold and pale pieces and walls with priceless antiques and exquisite drapes that probably cost more than his life.  
There was a quaint little outing where it had direct view of the Hollywood sign in the distance. The place was dark and no one seemed to notice it tucked in the end of the grand room. He knew he had to hide himself before Jeffrey or Glenne came with their condescending tone wanting to speak with him.

  
The wind whipped his face into awareness as he wraps his hands against his chest trying to fight the chills. Louis gave a trembly breath out and it seemed to startle a shadow hidden small behind the only giant plant in this place. The only visible attribute was the cigarette glow and the distinct smell of smoke that made him taken aback as well.  
Having disturbed the stranger unknowingly the silhouette emerged from the dark to reveal a face.

  
Harry.

  
He immediately stomped on his cigarette while rubbing his hands over his trousers before he approached Louis.

  
“I didn’t know you smoked.” He was never under the impression that Harry was a smoker, he never did it in front him but somehow Louis had a feeling like this was a strangely recent development.

  
“It’s a new habit” And Bingo was his name-o. Louis nodded trying not to show that he was even interested as to why he had even picked up the habit in the first place, even though he was. “It relaxes me” He was staring intently and Louis felt every urge to focus on everything but his face. The night sky was beautiful, the moon was out in all its glory hiding behind specks of clouds making the soft glow spread out like a warm blanket when the wind was this harsh and cold. It was relaxing and it made the many thoughts swimming in Louis' head to calm if only for a moment. There were so many things he wanted to ask Harry, so many things he wishes Harry would tell him like for instance, _did he miss me when I left? And wasn’t he the slightest bit curious as to why I left? But the one question that stood out more than the rest was, where was Sebastian? Could he read my mind?_ He looked at Louis like he knew what he wanted to ask yet he shook his head and let out a little puff that sounded almost like a chuckle.

  
“I can’t believe I’m here right now.” He replied instead making an attempt to move again. He’s much closer to Louis now that he can smell him. Something sweet but not overbearing but the most prominent was that smell that was distinctively just Harry.

  
“I didn’t mean to disturb you I can leave”

  
“No it’s not you” He held Louis' arm when he made his way to exit. It burned. Louis kept staring at the grip he had on his arm rather than his gaze. He let’s go. “I mean the situation” he hesitates looking pass Louis to the rowdy crowd behind them. “I’m glad you’re here.” It was a few simple words but they burned a hole in Louis' heart and he yearned feeling pleasantly elated that he felt that way.

  
“It was Sam’s idea if I’m being honest. I have grown to really dislike parties.” His answer seemed to upset him but still he laughed and nodded his head.

  
“I didn’t think you came for the conversations with the elites or the mouth - watering appetizers.” He tries to joke but it falls short. His voice was almost condescending and forced. Louis could tell Harry was uncomfortable or rather upset with him and he couldn’t figure out why.

  
To make things more heated Louis gave him a once over letting the gusty winds wash over them to make the silence a bit more tolerable before he of course inevitably ruins it.  
“Where’s Sebastian then?” His eyes seized up to look at Louis, the corner of his mouth twitching until he finally gave a courteous little grunt and shook his head.

  
“You don’t really care. You just say the things that would get me to talk. You always have.” And that’s where he was totally wrong. Even though Louis did occasionally in the past engage him in conversation hoping he would reciprocate, he is overlooking the whole reason why he would even enquire about Sebastian. Louis made his dislike for the man apparent and Harry knew this, yet still he chooses to go down this eclipsed path of pretending. Louis was done pretending, he has yearned to see him for almost a year and every day he would sit and go over the many things he wishes he could have told Harry without actually knowing there would be a day that he had the chance. Now that he was here, in front of Louis, he wanted to tell him all of those things. He did not ask about Sebastian because he was trying to make a conversation with him nor did he do it in order for him to stay a little longer. Louis did it because he was curious and he desperately wanted to hear him say those words.

  
It wasn’t as if it would make a difference, whether Harry was single or not, it would not change a thing between them but it is that little hope that lingers inside, that satisfaction knowing that he no longer belonged to another or maybe Louis was clinging on to the mere fact that he was right when he said Harry deserved someone better.  
“There you are darling! You’re always running off” The voice cuts through the broken silence between them.

  
Louis was forever grateful for Sam and his intrusion because it prevented him from responding to Harry. Upon his entrance he hadn’t noticed Harry still in the dimly lit corner of the balcony. Sam came and slung his arms around him and Louis had every intention to remove them but only because he knew Harry was watching.  
“I was just…” he couldn’t continue. He remembers feeling light headed and on the verge of collapsing. He did his best to keep his hammering heart in place and his unsteady breathing under control.

He knew the moment Sam spotted Harry because there was that ghost feeling present again, where there was this unknown shadow lingering in the air, you can’t see it but you know it’s there.

  
“Mr. Styles. Pleasure as always. Lovely party” Sam calls out to Harry still sitting and excluding himself from the narrative. He managed to light up another cigarette which is still a sight for sore eyes yet Louis found it appealing somehow. There was something seriously wrong with him he had concluded.

  
“Help yourself to whatever. I’m paying after all” There he goes with the same somewhat offensive jokes. He felt like Harry was projecting his emotions on other people and it was in turn making him stir.

  
“Jeffrey told me about the record deal. That’s great news Harry. I just wanted to extend my congratulations” Sam was honestly the best person Louis had ever known and God knows why he didn’t see it at the time. He was always there for Louis and he had that sort of aura that oozed kindness or was it that he was just oblivious? Louis would have loved to be that way and not always looking a bit deeper into every situation.

  
“It’s why we’re all here” Harry responded flicking his cigarette off the balcony to stand.  
Louis couldn’t possibly stand there any longer and watch as Harry continue with the snide comments or to encourage him to speak to Sam like that in the first place. He was obviously hoping for Louis to intervene that much he knew but giving him that satisfaction was harder than just walking away. He knew Louis would say something, maybe cause a scene, anything but what he actually did. He still remembers the look on Harry's face when he rushed out a half parting and escorted Sam out the door never once looking back.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chappie switches between Harry's POV and Louis' but it is quite clear. This note is just precautionary incase you do get confused.

 

“You always do this” Sebastian had chanted in his ear the moment he stepped through the door. It was another unavoidable part of his everyday life living with this man. Harry ignored him like always keeping his head to the floor as he stepped out of his shoes, body aching and all he knew he needed was a hot shower and some sleep.

  
It had been almost a month that he hadn’t heard from Louis and he was getting desperate at this point. Where had he gone and was he doing this on purpose? _Did he not wish to see me again? Why would he leave and not tell me? Did he leave alone?_  
“I am not going to let you walk away from me this time. You have to talk to me.” Sebastian’s voice carried closer as he made his way to their room. Harry knew he was following him and he did nothing to stop.

  
“This is the third time this week Harry. You don’t think that’s a problem?” He had gone to Steve's hoping Louis would show up. He didn’t. Harry couldn’t possibly tell Sebastian he was out looking for another man, he wouldn’t understand, he would take it the wrong way.

  
“Where were you?” Sebastian’s voice had slightly cracked at the end indicating that he was on the brink of tears. Harry shut the bathroom door before he could reach him. He was on the opposite side and Harry listened for a moment to what he had to say.

  
“When did we get this way Harry? We used to tell each other everything, now you’re keeping secrets from me.” He could hear him crying, “I feel like I don’t even know you anymore.” Of course it broke him, Harry felt guilt-ridden that he made Sebastian this way. Everyone needed a vice. Louis was his. He could not explain it any other way.

  
“I can’t stay here anymore.” The silence stretched on and he was afraid if he made a move Sebastian would know he was listening. He couldn’t face him and worse, he couldn’t tell him goodbye.

  
“I love you and I will always love you Harry. You’ve given me some of the best years of my life. I know sometimes we end up at a crossroad and it’s hard picking a side. And I know I haven’t been the best person to you and I apologise for that. I can’t be who you deserve.” His voice was much closer almost like he was standing right next to Harry. He closed his eyes trying to picture him. Harry loved him that much is true but to say that he was in love with him well he just didn’t know anymore.

  
“Now I just hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for.”

  
His words still ring in Harry's head but they did absolutely nothing to him. He felt nothing. It was almost like a relief having him leave, like a weight was lifted off his chest and he wasn’t sure what type of person that made him.

  
For the longest time Harry had convinced himself that Sebastian was the one for him and that they would get married and have a life together, that what they had was what they call love but ever since Louis came into the picture it all changed. He often thought about that night in the bar and the words that Sienna had whispered drunkenly to him outside. She said that he was settling, it felt like he was restricting himself on the things he simply thought didn’t exist.

  
As he sat in this dark room playing back the events of that night with Sebastian he had chuckled hauntingly to himself.  
He picked up the habit of smoking after Sebastian left, it was a new vice if he's being honest. The numb, freeing feeling reminded him of all the times he spent with Louis.  
He would have probably made a funny face if he knew Harry smoked and say something out of context to not make him feel guilty for slowly destroying his body. He wouldn’t judge him but he would have been concerned why he picked up the habit in the first place. Though, he wouldn’t directly ask Harry, but subtly throw hints hoping it was enough to make Harry tell him on his own.

  
All the nights he spent thinking if it was him who drove Louis away and what was the breaking point for him had finally been pushed aside when he met Jeff and Glenne.  
Jeff was overseas scouting for new talent and got invited to one of his shows. Harry was unsigned then of course, nothing else really mattered but the part of being able to perform. He had a decent following at the time and the moment Jeff saw him, he told him that he would be famous, he would make him so if it was the last thing he did. Harry agreed, of course he did. He did not want to stay in a place where everything reminded him of Louis. He needed to get out. He didn’t do it entirely for that reason though. He loved performing, he loved writing music, breathing music, living music. It was his single passion and dream. Jeff helped him a lot after he decided to sign with his label. He had told Harry that he needed to move for a while to the US. Which was great. It was all falling into place for Harry and he felt a bit of that joy enter his life once more. Jeff had told him moving was for exposure, for him to gain a bigger following and to crossover he had said. Anything to make his dreams come true (and to keep his mind occupied - he didn’t trust the silence anymore)  
That’s when the parties started. Extravagant and expensive. Elites and important people at every twist and turn. Jeffrey would always encourage him to socialize and said it was a great way to make ties with the people in the music industry. Producers, directors the whole lot was present in those rendezvous. He always hated it but he figured that he shouldn’t let good wine go to waste and that he should not allow himself the heartache of missing Louis when he wasn’t even his to miss.

  
It was not until he was standing in a grand ball room with hundreds of men and women twice his age with pockets as deep as the Atlantic Oceans, that he had scuffed and tried to remember why he was even doing this. Fame had a price and as Harry slowly strummed his guitar and looked out at that massive crowd gathered that night he had finally understood that reference.

  
He used to think people were foolish for saying things like “money doesn’t buy happiness” because if he had money he had friends. He had a mansion where he could do whatever he wanted and he had cars and people who were there to answer to his every beck and call. He could do anything he wanted with money, he could buy almost anything. Yet, it eluded the things we desired the most. And that is, _Companionship_.

  
These people were not here to stay for long. They were wanderers, leeches. They were gone once your money was along with the spark they saw the first time they met you. They don’t care about you. When the parties are over and the lights go out there is no one with you except your shadows.

  
Harry was left alone with his big mansion and expensive cars yet it did not give him an ounce of happiness. Often times when he thought about all the times he spent with Louis he would give up everything he had to have that back and he was not ashamed to admit it.  
He was not dependent on him as it would have seemed so at the time, Harry does admit he needed him but only because he too was foolish and oblivious as to what was staring at him for so long. He was in love with Louis. Harry hid his emotions with horrible excuses and it was what drove him away. When he said he had feelings for Louis he did not mean only as a cluster of desire and lust but he actually cared for him.

  
It would explain why he often let his thoughts drift to horrible scenarios and not being about to control the outcome. It was a clawing itch to the back of his mind, like a nasty flu that just won’t go away, like an unwanted guest showing up at your front doors. It screamed at him in the night and chased him in the day. Things he never thought about came rushing all at once into his mind. Was he alright? And if all of this was Harry's doing then at least he had to know if Louis' moved on. Thinking of Louis being miserable due to his doing was enough to spiral his senses into panic. He needed to know he was alright, simply put.  
It was honestly such a devastating blow when he was first introduced to Samuel. He did seem like an exquisite guy, he was livid and enthusiastic. Praising him for his performance and the way he spoke so highly of his companion made Harry jealous. His eyes shone as he relayed that he sneakily stole his partner’s diary with little scratches of what he can assume are lyrics. He told Harry the only time he ever heard his lover sing is when he’s in the shower or when the man thought he wasn't home. Harry did not know why Louis lingered in his thoughts at that moment. Maybe because he saw himself in Samuel’s shoes. The pride and utter glow present on his face as he speaks so highly about Louis to strangers. Thinking about him singing in the shower while Harry stood outside the door with a stupid grin on his face because of course he has the most melodious voice. As Samuel continue to ramble to him about his lover he felt himself smile and for the first time he was glad he decided to engage a stranger in conversation. With the exception of Louis of course. He made Harry change the way he saw people at parties. Not everyone was just after a pretty face.  
When the crowd had cleared that few seconds of just silence was how he knew when Samuel uttered the words what had to follow. The world does work in mysterious ways but mostly just cruel, for the very person he pined for was someone else’s.

  
He watched as Louis shyly slid close to Samuel and seeing him after so long made some sort of pang in his heart grow. He was so close yet so far.  
Harry sat in his room thinking back at how unbelievably envious he was of Samuel then it only hit him that this is exactly what he had wanted. There was finally someone in Louis’ life who made him happy and someone who loved him endlessly and he was a fool to try and come in between that. He was too late.

  
“I cannot believe what I’m seeing right now” Jeffrey had the tendency of just dropping by unexpected and on one such incident it so happened to be the day after the big party held at the Ritz. Harry often found himself getting lost for long periods of time just sitting and looking out in the distance. If it was one thing he loved about this place was that it was situated among the mountains so it gave him one hell of a view.

  
“I called a meeting since noon and you’re here looking like Victor Van Dort” he rolled his eyes but sat nonetheless shoving the throw over Harry had draped over his legs. “I had to turn away a lot of people because you have a hangover.” It was honestly a relief that Jeffrey’s knowledge of him was only what Harry chose to give him. He knew nothing about Louis and he was willing to keep it like that for as long as he could.

  
“You know how it goes. Late nights and tireless days. People who cling to you like magnets” he laughed knowing exactly where Harry was going with this. It was more or less the same conversation every time. The successful but lonely rock star that share countless nights with strangers in his bed. Jeffrey somehow approved of this sort of lifestyle, even encouraged him sometimes. He didn’t have the heart to make him believe otherwise.

  
“As much as I should applaud you I really got enough shit as it was this morning. You have to be more consistent Harold.” He sounded scolding but Harry knew him by now. He was just scratching the surface, only scolding him because he had to and not because he genuinely cared that Harry was jeopardizing potentially both their careers.

  
“Enough of that then” he said when Harry gave a tiny nod indicating that he had definitely learnt his lesson. “Was it the petite blonde by the bar?” Of course he wanted to know about Harry's latest muse. He spent his night groveling and swallowing himself in utter guilt and sorrow for throwing away a once in a lifetime chance with a man he loves but to you he had sex with a blonde girl in a shiny dress.

  
“I am tired of kissing and telling Jeffrey. Have some respect.” He laughed tipping his head back obviously pleased with Harry's answer. It made him feel sick. Jeff knew about Sebastian, and when Harry first broke the news that they were no longer together do you know what he did? He called up some of his friends and convinced one of them that Harry needed something to take his mind of it. It was fucked up watching her on her knees but it numbed the pain and the sad thing was it wasn’t Sebastian that he was sad about. All that lingered in his mind was Jeffrey's idea of consoling and why he even for a second thought that this sort of analogy would help a broken heart.

  
“You dirty devil!” He shoved at Harry's feet now overcome with numbness since it’s bare and the chilly breeze touched his skin making him shiver. “Well my evening was nice thanks for asking.” He mocked picking up Harry's glass of wine on the small table across from them to take a sip. “After you fucked off to God knows where I was stuck playing party host.” He said it as if that wasn’t what he expected to happen. He literally managed every aspect of Harry's life. “Even got stuck with that Samuel character again. As if it wasn’t enough at the Gala. I swear all he ever does is talk his ear off.” At the mere mention of him Harry knew this was his opportunity to prod for information on Louis. He needed to somewhat feel like he was not making this up and that short time he sat outside in the numbing breeze that Louis was there once again in front him in real flesh and bones and not just in the fragment on his imagination.

  
“He’s not so bad.” Harry comments lightly hoping Jeffrey would remain on the topic and somehow bring up Louis.

  
“Always knew you were into the chatty types.” He laughed again downing the remains of wine from the glass. This certainly wasn’t the direction Harry was hoping this conversation would go. Now with one smirk and comment Jeff thinks he's actually interested in Samuel.

  
“Better than being bored out of my mind at the silence.” He tried to keep his comments well under his breath but Jeffrey knew him, he knew what he'd say and how he felt about different situations and it wasn’t a surprise that he knew how agitated he felt at that point in time.

  
“Tomlinson irks me too. He’s too quiet and snide for my liking. I reckon he has something cooking in that big old head of his.” He thought Harry meant Louis. He had to laugh at this dilemma, if one would even call it that.

  
“I don’t think he’s the problem here.” It’s _you_ , Harry wanted to finish but instead looking at him and waiting for the next words to come pouring out of his mouth.

  
“Look at you. Good on you. Don’t let a cocky twink get in the way of what you want.” He smirked patting Harry on the shoulders. He squeezed his hands shut trying to dissipate the anger coursing inside him. Harry did not like the way he spoke of Louis. Jeffrey knew nothing about him.

  
“I knew inviting him wasn’t a total waste. The moment I saw him I knew he was exactly your type.” He continued and Harry wasn’t sure how much longer he could hold up what he felt inside. He was about to explode and he wasn’t sure anything could stop him. He should leave, yes, he should get up and walk off.

  
“Do you want me to set up a dinner with him? He seems quite taken by you as well. Don’t worry I’ll handle Tomlinson.”

  
It was the only way Harry knew how to get closer to Louis. Looking back at it now he should have left Jeffrey, he should have told him to leave but he nodded his head and encouraged the smile on Jeff's face.

  
“Get me an address maybe I could pay him a visit instead.” Harry heard himself saying while walking back into the sitting room while Jeffrey followed.

  
“You keep surprising me Styles.” He had said pleased before shortly bidding Harry farewell.

 

**

 

“Can I ask you something?” Sam had said the minute Louis sat on the couch with a giant bowl of popcorn in his lap. They were just about to watch that Jack Nicholson movie Sam was persistent about when he presented Louis with this unexpected request. Of course in hind sight he could ask anything, Louis was just a bit taken back given the laid back situation they were in at that moment. And his tone was rather more towards the serious side. Louis handed him the bowl of popcorn after stuffing a few in his mouth slowly digesting the bits after nodding to indicate that he can ask anything he wanted.

  
“Did you know Harry before the party?” Louis frowned feeling like his heart was about to give out at any second. He thought after all this time that he was being discreet about Harry but apparently not. He had become once again transparent to his affections for Harry that everyone else could see expect Harry himself.

  
There was no point in lying to Sam. Louis promised that he would try and he needed to be completely honest to this man because he had given Louis so much. He wanted Sam to understand him but he was afraid if he revealed too much he would not accept the person Louis was and like everyone else in his life Sam would leave.

  
“He was Sienna’s friend.” He started gauging his reaction which remained passive. That’s a good sign right? “She took me to a couple of his shows and we would interact a bit. I would hardly call him my friend.” Louis was lying, which went against all that bullshit he was spurring a while ago. He was too insecure to tell Sam the truth, he needed him to stay. And even after all that he still clung to the mere fact that what he told Sam wasn’t all entirely untrue. He was at countless of his shows and they did meet because of Sienna.

  
“Did you two…” he trailed off and Louis knew what he meant. Of course he would assume Harry and him were involved like that. He would have been delighted to say that he did in fact have sexual relations with Harry instead of being the pathetic arse who was pining over him for years.

  
Louis shook his head closing his eyes. With the will hopefully Sam would take it as enough. He didn’t. He pushed further.

  
“Do you have feelings for him?” and there it was. The trick with Sam is that he knew Louis so well that he couldn’t possibly hide. It was almost admirable that Louis had kept Harry a secret for this long. “I finally understand why you’ve been this closed off. He doesn’t know does he?” He wanted to cry, he wanted to scream and shout at Sam and tell him how wrong he was and how out of place he was for uttering those words. “You left England because you couldn’t handle seeing him anymore. You came here thinking it would make you forget him but it hasn’t.” Louis kept shaking his head, he remembers it was the only thing he could do at the time. If he opened his mouth it would not end. He could feel the discomfort in his throat seizing and pushing, desperately trying to come out, show Sam that he was right and Louis would start crying because everything he was saying was the truth.

  
“Do you love him?” Louis laughed. He remembers thinking there was no way the first time he says it out loud or acknowledge the fact that he did love Harry that it was going to be a confession to all persons, Sam. He was not about to do that to himself. The pain ceased to exist the moment a chuckle ripped from his throat and the burning tears gathered in his eyes just sat there not knowing what to do.

  
“Whatever it is that I felt for Harry was in the past. You’re my present and hopefully my future but you have to trust me.” He was manipulating him. Louis could see the moment Sam felt like what he said had negatively impacted Louis because he slide closer on the couch and held Louis' face between his hands. He stroked his worn out eyes as he spoke the next words.

  
“I never intended to hurt you by bringing it up baby. I just wanted to be sure that I wasn’t getting invested into something knowing you’re not even on the same page. I would love a future with you Louis and I’m so glad you feel the same.” They kissed and Louis swallowed the sick feeling of betrayal with his moans.

  
There was a knock on the door. More like a lazy thump. Having a visitor was alarming but also not a surprise considering the recents events in Louis' life.

He lazily fixed his shirt and glided towards the door as he felt Sam’s eyes on him. He could not sit there any longer with the gut feeling of utter betrayal heavy in his lungs. And the thought of Harry had everything intensified ten times more.

That moment he remembers feeling like everything that he had ever wanted to stay away from was staring right back directly into his eyes. They were mocking and teasing him. As he watches Harry stand outside his door he tried not to laugh at this ridiculous notion that he could ever have his way.

  
He stared at Louis for a long while that eventually it started to burn. His eyes cut through every piece of flesh on his bones. Louis felt naked and stripped bare in front him. Louis was ready to give him his all and Harry was just looking at him. He felt pathetic. Sam was inside finally feeling at ease because Louis said he wanted a future with him and yet as he stood and watched Harry he felt his future look back at him.

  
“Is this a bad time?” He quietly spoke and Louis could hear Sam’s curious footsteps grow louder. He would be here any second and he would see that Harry had come to look for him. He would figure out he was lying and the words Louis said to him earlier meant nothing and that he was just saying it so Sam would not mention the topic to him ever again.  
“What are you doing here?” Louis ignored his question and rushed his at Harry instead.

_Answer me for once please,_ Louis begged.

  
“I came to see you. What else?” Louis felt himself getting lost in his eyes once more, he was almost comatose as he silently continued to look at Harry. It didn’t matter for those few moments what was surrounding them, it was just him and Harry. A world where they both just existed and nothing could hold them back, nothing preventing them from being with each other. Nothing to worry about, nothing to come between them.

  
They stood there silently until Harry looked past him and he knew Harry spotted Sam.

  
“I apologise for what I’m about to do but please just trust me.” He was the only man Louis ever trusted. He was the only person he would do anything for, without second guessing.

  
“Samuel darling!” He called just as Sam strolled up behind, his hands sneaking its way around Louis' waist. _Subtle_ , he thought.

  
“Harry. What are you doing here?” He didn’t move and as Louis glanced at Sam's face he looked at Harry like he was a giant bug and he couldn’t wait to crush it. Now that Sam knew about Harry he was not the happy go lucky social butterfly you meet at parties.

  
Harry frowned disapprovingly shaking his head slightly. “You’ve already forgotten.” He tsked which was so unlike him and Louis had to bite his lip to suppress a smile. “I’ve spoken to Jeffrey and he’s agreed” At that Sam’s face lit up like a Christmas tree.

  
“Oh then come in!” he said offering to take Harry’s coat for him. Louis had no idea what they were on about but the topic change seemed to have shifted Sam’s mood about Harry. He watches as they both walk into the sitting room. He lingered by the door feeling like he was in an episode of the twilight zone, not fully understanding why his lover was this adamant towards the man he knew Louis loved.

  
“Louis can you bring us a cuppa? Harold and I have something important to discuss.” He shook his head but did what he was told.

  
It bothered Louis that Sam and Harry had something up their sleeves that he knew nothing about. His mind dredged up countless scenarios as to what could possibly be so secretive that Harry has to show up at his house to tell Sam.

  
He remembers feeling indifferent when Harry was the first to take a cup from the tray with not even so much as a glance at him and took a hastily sip.

  
“Careful it’s hot” Louis interrupted before he could even stop himself. They both shot looks at him as he tried his best to busy himself with fixing a cup for Sam.

  
“You remembered.” Harry whispers taking another sip from his cup. Louis flushed crimson red at his remark and he shouldn’t be this put off by just casually remembering how Harry took his tea.

  
“Well I best be going then.” Harry put his cup down and stood when Louis had just decided to sit.

  
“So soon?” He heard Sam saying and yes definitely still in the twilight zone.

  
“Meetings and what not. Wish I could stay a bit longer but I’m about three seconds away from getting a nasty text from Jeffrey saying I need to be present so with that being said I do bid you farewell.” He said all this while looking at Louis. Sam showed him to the door while Louis sat still trying to come to terms with what happened in the past half hour.  
After he heard a bit of hushed exchanges between Harry and Sam, he heard the door close.  
Sam said next to nothing after he joined him on the couch.

  
“Babe do you think we can order Chinese today?” He was going for casual and acting like Louis wasn’t going to ask him about his hidden agenda with Harry. “Oh and by the way I invited Harry for dinner next Friday.”

  
Now why on fuck’s earth would he do that? Louis was furious but it also bubbled a bit of excitement in him knowing that he would be seeing Harry yet again.

 

 

Louis wasn't surprised when it was finally the end of the week and standing outside his door was Sonny and Cher along with Harry. He should have expected that Harry would tell Jeffrey and Glenne to accompany him. Louis still hasn't figured out if Harry genuinely enjoyed Jeffrey's presence or it was some sort of obligation stated in his contract. Either way, it sort of didn't sit too well that the man practically clung to Harry everywhere he went.

The happy couple clapped him on his back and strolled in to meet Sam leaving Harry still standing by the door.

  
“I hope you don’t mind. I think Jeffrey quite likes you.” _Do you like me?_ And yes, definitely still pathetic. Louis felt self - conscious standing in front him wearing that worn out jumper Jackie’s mum got him for Christmas while Harry stood in Gucci and fuck knows what else. It looked expensive though and he looked radiant as ever.  
He certainly wasn’t the white t shirt boy Louis once knew him to be.

  
“How splendid yet another fan to add to my growing list.” Harry laughed. Dimples out on display and nose twitching in that Harry way he always remembered. Louis lived for it. He remembers the days he would think up ways just so he could see that smile.

  
Dinner passed as quickly as possible with Sam gushing over the many extravagant stories Jeffrey and Glenne fed him. He seemed genuinely glad to be in their presence which was haunting to say the least for Louis.

  
Harry had managed to not utter a word throughout the night. He kept his head down to his plate and casually nodded or shook his head when Jeffrey would say his name.  
They had left and though Louis felt like he didn’t put in much effort in order to gain Harry’s attention all night it was a hurdle they had accomplished. While Sam cleared the table he had exited the apartment to go for a smoke.

  
The roof was almost always closed off and not accessible for the attendants but Louis had often found a way to gain entrance. It was the one place he loved going that reminded him of the times Harry would take him to the hills overlooking B.

  
As he lit up his cigarette he thought of how the night went and how was he ever going to get Harry to talk to him and if they would ever go back to the way they were before.

  
“Knew out of all the places I’d find you on the roof.” There was a handful of times that Louis can truly say that he was surprised. That one time when Sienna told him that she was definitely not a lesbian, that other time when he got a letter from Charles saying he got the job and of course at that moment when he looked to the side of him and saw Harry standing there just staring at him.

  
He didn’t even know what to say even though all he could think about was what Harry was even doing here. He continued to smile while coming closer to pluck the lit cigarette from Louis' hand to take a drag.

  
“Reminds you of back home doesn’t it?” He says even though the wind carries his voice that it all but sounds like he’s whispering. At that moment when the wind was harsh on his hair and the cigarette gave his face a somewhat soft glow he knew why he found Harry so endearing. He was a force to be reckoned with. He made Louis feel things he didn’t know he could feel, as cliché as it sounds, and he made him smile for no reason at all.

  
Louis was madly in love with him and he didn’t care to hide it anymore. He wanted Harry to know how he made him feel. At that moment he didn’t think of the possibility of rejection.

_He did stay back in hopes to see me alone didn’t he? He was on the roof of my apartment building and that had to count for something._

  
Louis didn’t think when he moved closer to Harry and took the cigarette from in between his pink lips and watch as he left his burning gaze on every movement Louis made.  
He could visibly see Harry's sharp intake of breath and simultaneously blowing out just as harsh. He stomped on the butt engulfing them once again in the greyish atmosphere.

  
“I miss those days” Louis whispered probably more to himself than he had meant for him to hear but of course he did because he was so close. Louis could feel the heat radiating off his body and just the general aura that was Harry Styles. He was warmth.

  
“Sebastian never understood why I did it. He was always so suspicious about the things I did. Looking back at it now I don’t blame him, I wouldn’t trust me either.” It was such an in depth confession that Louis felt the need to hold him in his arms and protect him from any harm.

_How dare he utter these words in my presence?_ All this time and Harry still didn’t see what Louis did.

  
He often thought why Harry needed to always bring up Sebastian in their conversations any chance he got. _Was he doing it to make me jealous? To make me protest and reveal my deepest darkest secret? To profess my undying love for him?_ Then Louis thought he did it because Sebastian was a grounded topic for them. Harry knew what it did to him and he knew that he would stay quiet instead of saying anything. With mentioning Sebastian he had control of their conversations and he took advantage of that. He knew if they spoke or sit in the silence long enough one of them was bound to crack and they wouldn’t be in control of what they say.

  
Louis was forever grateful when he brought up Sebastian after that and it was the same when he mentioned Sam’s name to him.

  
“I trust you.” He found himself saying and almost immediately regretting it. He was laughing and Louis knew what he did only made things a bit tenser between them. That is not what he wanted for them. Almost walking on egg shells around each other and being delicate. He was through with the charades and the masks, strip them away and _show me the **real** you._

  
“You always say the words I want to hear.” It wasn’t exactly a declaration nor was it an “I miss you” but it was a Harry way of saying he at least cared and Louis was contented with it.

  
They sat close to the rafters just staring out into the hills in the distance and it was almost like old times. They didn’t say much and often times Louis would lose his breath when Harry's hands would gently graze against his. He didn’t have the nerve to even look across to him when he did it.

  
He knew he had to leave soon though. Sam would probably wonder where he was and he would eventually come looking for him. Louis did not want to have to explain why he was alone with Harry on a rooftop.

  
He remembers him smiling when he told Harry he had to leave but not saying anything even though Louis was desperate for him to disagree. He wanted Harry to tell him why he came to meet him and why he stayed.

  
That night as Sam curled his arms around his waist and placed a soft kiss on the back of his neck, the tears streamed down his face and soaked the pillow sheets under him. He was praying, something he didn’t do quite often but at this point Louis was ready to try anything to help him. He wanted to forget him and he wanted to have the courage to leave Harry and all his memories behind.


	7. Chapter 7

Louis still remembers the initial shock he felt when he got the letter in the mail. He was named executive producer of an upcoming movie. He would be working alongside other esteemed producers on the film but it was still a giant step considering he was fresh out of training and never produced anything before.

  
He gave the good news to Sienna first because without her none of this would be possible. She was by his side the moment she heard.

  
Next was Sam and even though he was persistent in wanting to throw a party and invite everyone they knew to celebrate this momentous achievement, for once Louis didn’t mind the boring parties and the stuck up guests. He was finally experiencing what real happiness felt like. But Louis felt like this was special and he wanted to spend his time with just Sam.  
He spoke to everyone except Harry naturally. Even if he wanted to tell him he didn’t know how to. He had no contact for him and he didn’t even know where he lived.

  
He went about feeling so happy that he almost didn’t believe it. Louis watched Sam sitting across from him with a giant grin and he couldn’t have asked for anything more.  
While Sam went over the dessert menu he excused himself to go outside for a quick smoke. At times he needed the alone time. He was trying to soak up all the good energy around him. He didn’t think good things could happen to him, he still didn’t think so but it was anyway.

  
“Congratulations” Louis almost thought he was dreaming it. Harry was standing in front him once more draped in an oversized trench coat. He was smiling, coming closer to hold Louis briefly in a hug. The contact was proof that this wasn’t a dream and that Louis was not just imagining this. He was here.

  
“Why do you always show up unexpected? Almost gave me a heart attack” Louis tried smiling but he knew Harry could sense he was uneasy by his presence.

  
“I just wanted to wish you. Won’t be staying long.” He swallowed watching him duck his head down in shame. Louis had not a clue how he even came to know about this news. He wanted to ask him but as always he restricted himself. Louis suspected Sienna must have said something.

  
“Thank you” he responded hoping his answer would make Harry look at him again. His cigarette was long forgotten probably fallen to the floor upon seeing him. Louis knew he needed something in his hands to stop his fidgeting so the poor pea coat he was wearing would eventually see its end when he was finished picking at the threads.

“You should come to my show sometime.” Harry says shoving his hands in his jacket pockets. The wind had picked up and even though it was chilly he felt warmth spread through his chest by those words. He still wanted Louis in his shows. “You and Sam.” And just like that reality came crashing down on his head.

  
Harry left shortly after that when the only thing Louis did to respond to him was smile. It wasn’t exactly a straight forward answer and he knew if he opened his mouth to say something he would just end up embarrassing himself.

  
Sam was working late that day when Louis got a call from Jeffrey saying that Harry was playing in the arena a couple blocks away from his apartment and wanted to invite him to his show. He even said he’d send a driver to pick Louis up. It was an opportunity he couldn't pass up on.

  
When Louis arrived the security didn’t even bat an eyelash when the driver (Ben, as he's come to know), escorted him backstage. Harry had his own dressing room and among the chaos the security assured him that he was expecting Louis to show up.

  
He was bracing himself for the worst possible thing to happen as he knocked on the door and heard Harry's muffled voice saying to come in. He was sitting on his chair while a blonde woman does his hair. And it wasn't everything Louis was not expecting. Harry was wearing nothing but a towel around his waist and when he spots Louis, he immediately dismisses the woman and stands to greet him.

  
“Lou” he wasn’t sure if Harry ever addressed him this way but he was loving his tone and the giant smile on his face too much to care. He had to keep telling himself that it was just a show and he didn’t mean anything more than the other people Harry invited.

  
“If you were getting dressed I could have just stayed outside.” Louis tried to joke, maybe find the light of the situation that was present to him but Harry looked like he had just suggested the most horrible thing and he wanted to take it back.

  
“The show doesn’t start for another forty five minutes.” He explained gesturing for Louis to follow him to take a seat on his couch set. Harry had a fucking couch set in his dressing room, a little area with food, and what appears to be candy. He always had a sweet tooth. Always with a red pack of skittles in his pocket that he would take out at random times and offer Louis. The memory made him smile.

There were also flowers and candles lit in every inch of the room. A bit dramatic Louis thought but he should have expected it from Harry. It was his trademark.

  
“Things have changed since the last time I’ve seen you perform” He nodded while looking at Louis.

  
“I suppose but it’s still the same old me.”

  
They sat on his couch not saying a thing after that. He eventually got up and started pacing the room which Louis assumed was probably his method of preparing himself to go on stage. It didn’t feel awkward this time though. Watching him while he does what it was that he was doing. Louis caught himself smiling until there was a final call for Harry from the stage people requesting for him to finally go on.

  
“You’ll be right by the stage won’t you?” He asks when they both walked out the door. Louis smiled, cheeks hurting and nodded to answer him.

  
This was always the best part of knowing Harry. Being able to watch him become a persona as electric and bold on stage. Like being invincible. Harry was a remarkable performer, that was no doubt, the way he’d instantly make the crowd fall under his spell was magnificent.  
When Harry exited the stage Jeffrey had already told Louis to go wait for him in his dressing room. He didn’t complain because for once Jeffrey didn’t make a snide comment or wasn’t rude to him and he's not saying it is because Harry noticed something and told him off or because Jeffrey was an entirely different person when he wasn’t accompanied by Glenne, but it would seem that way. He didn’t let the thoughts linger for long as Harry steps into the room with a towel in his hand wiping away the sweat gathered on his forehead.

“That was incredible Harry.” He voiced his opinion as soon as he walked in. There was no point in Louis hiding the fact that he thought the world of him. Harry always knew Louis did.  
From then on Louis felt a shift in the room because Harry looked down and Louis swore he was actually blushing at his comment but he could be mistaken.

  
“It means a lot to me that you’re here today. I know it may seem insignificant but I am glad you’re here.” All of his words that day felt like a fever dream. To Louis it didn’t seem right. It wasn’t even that he spent countless time thinking about Harry saying these kind of words to him but it outright sounded…wrong.

  
They were both threading on rough waters and Louis knew he had to make himself scarce before he could no longer control himself and end up doing something he knows he would later regret.

  
The thing is, love makes you do stupid things and it’s such a clichéd saying but Louis doesn't think someone truly believes that until they find themselves in a situation that presents such a phrase. It was at that particular moment for him.

  
Louis wanted to kiss him, he wanted to release himself and tell Harry that he wanted to be here and seeing him on stage made him swell with pride. Louis wanted to stroke his hair and kiss his worn out eyes and hold him close to his chest so he can hear how his breath slows down.

  
Louis was entertaining such thoughts knowing he was in a fully committed relationship with Sam. Sam who was also the most loving and caring person to him yet his body yearns for the man in front him who is leaning against his dresser with his hand tugging on his bottom lip.

  
He didn’t know how long they stood there without saying anything but Louis knew his thoughts was not safe right now and him being this close to Harry was dangerous.

  
“I should go” he quietly heard himself saying casting his head to the floor knowing if he looked at him Louis would spiral out of control. “Sam might be home by now.” He did not intend to inflict some sort of pain by his words or maybe that was exactly his intention. Knowing the mere mention of Sam would make Harry feel hurt is why he said it. He didn’t respond which is what indicated that Louis had affected him with his words.

  
“Louis” His voice was soft and almost broken, he felt it when his hands gripped him by the shoulders, when he stood there like time stopped around them, when Louis felt the pricking jolt run down his spine, when he felt his breath hitch as he turned to look at Harry, when his eyes could not leave Louis' lips - not when he looked like he wanted to say something but he was afraid of how Louis would react. Could it be? _Was he trying to kiss me?_  
He drops his hands forcing out a small chuckle and just like that the heat and spell between them was broken.

  
“Get home safe” was his parting words. It’s only when Louis was at home sitting on the couch while Sam was working on a paper on his laptop had he thought how miserable he was living and his entire life has been a lie. He was living a lie. He was not the person he felt like he was, he was covered up and deceiving. He fooled people with this outer shell of a person he wanted to be, while hiding who he actually was deep inside.

  
Louis was done playing someone he was not. He had to make this right and stop hiding behind possibilities. It was either that Harry felt the same for him or he didn’t. He needed to stop assuming and to finally put a straight answer to that resounding question lingering in his brain all the time. To finally know and to finally put it to rest.

 

**

 

The following days passed by rather quickly and Louis' mood deteriorated bit by bit so much so that Sam was beginning to notice something was not right.

  
He couldn’t hide it anymore and it was selfish of him to treat this man the way that he was but he still continued to manipulate him and Louis hated himself for that. He was undeserving of unconditional love and he certainly did not deserve someone like Sam in his life.

  
Bit by bit the shame took away from him until he could physically see the love in Sam’s eyes diminish whenever he looked at him. He was trying but the more he did the more Louis pushed and pushed further away. Sam knew that the only way to keep him was to propose.  
Looking back at it now Louis could understand his fear and though he truly loved Sam it was wrong of him to actually accept his offer.

  
He eventually started to sleep on the couch and Louis eventually never made it home until the crack of dawn. Washing away his pain and all the other horrible thoughts that swam through his mind in a bar.

They were still the happy couple that everyone knew them to be. Their friends were scampering off excited about their engagement when in reality Sam and Louis were in different dimensions altogether. They both did nothing to make it stop, they never spoke about the lingering burn in the air. They simply went along with the crowd. They were probably too stubborn or afraid to lose each other. After all, a little love is better than none they always said.

  
Louis was not at all surprised to see Harry on his doorstep one September morning after Sam had gotten to work. He knew Sam was trying his best to figure out what was happening to him and he wanted to help. He was not broken so he didn’t need to be fixed. No one seemed to understand that whatever Louis was going through was entirely his own fault and the only person who had the utmost control to change that was none other than himself.

  
“What’s wrong Louis?” He asked when they both sat silent on the couch for some time. He had no right to ask that sort of question. For so many months Louis had endured him silently and he never asked what he was going through because he knew Harry didn’t want to be asked. He knew just as such but he still insisted in knowing.

  
Louis was fuming.

  
“You know what’s wrong.” He had the nerve to actually look confused as if he didn’t have the slightest clue what he was doing to Louis. He was disgusted more than he was hurt and that drove him to speak further. “You always knew.” Harry had that dumb crease between his eyebrows and Louis almost felt sorry for him; like he always did. Louis often made him the victim of their situations and it was what had initially destroyed him, it is what landed them here right now.

"Sam proposed." He couldn't even stand to watch Harry's expression. Did it affect him at all?

  
“You’re right I always knew.” Apparently Harry was pretending like what Louis was saying never met his ears. He was choosing what to reply to even though Louis made it clear that the reason he was feeling like this was because of the proposal. He could not allow Harry to persuade his emotions with his words. His heart was already racing a mile a minute and he could sense he was a second away from doing something stupid. Like shifting closer to caress his face in his hands or to hold his hand and stroke his wrist, or even worse by just pulling him in and kissing him square on the mouth. Louis scuffed. It was the one thing that kept him grounded, as he looked at Harry and felt every emotion from the last few minutes wash over him once more. Louis was upset with him and he needed to keep that in mind.  
“I knew what I was doing to you and I did nothing to stop it. I am selfish and cruel but I can’t help but not want you in my life Louis and that was the only way.” This was certainly not what Louis was expecting to hear from him. Considering the fact that Louis just told him he was engaged. It was also the very first time he had spoken to Louis with such mirth, such blatant desperation that Louis knew if Harry chose to comment on the proposal he would not like what he had to say. Or maybe he would.

  
It was starting to get a bit weighed quickly which was starting to make Louis dizzy. He was almost convinced that he was dreaming until Harry held his hand. He chuckled bitterly when Louis pulled back. “I knew if I said something then it would affect the way we were with each other.” He had to close his eyes to fight the urge of throwing himself in Harry's arms or encouraging the tears to come streaming down.

  
To actually hear Harry say those words to him was all he's ever wanted for quite some time but it felt like a relief somehow and not at all what he was expecting to feel. He was going to confess his feelings for Louis only because he knew Sam had proposed.  
Harry said it like he was ashamed of feeling this way about him which only made Louis feel like he was a burden. He was an object that would no longer belong to him once he gets married. The feelings Louis carried for Harry was not deserving of him and he felt utterly stupid sitting here and having Harry tell him these words knowing he could do nothing to stop himself from uttering the same words to him, but with an entirely different emotion.  
“I care for you” Louis could sense a “but” he could tell Harry was just working up the nerve to let him down gently and he was not sure he could stick around to hear him anymore. Louis tried getting up from the seat where he sat and avoiding his gaze, trying his best to walk to the door. Of course Harry stopped him.

  
“You always accuse me of running on the first sign when things start getting heavy but you always do it to me.” He sounded desperate to make Louis stay. He stood like a tower in front him and Louis could smell his vanilla essence so close to his nose. Louis stood there with his fists clenched to his sides and his eyes shut tight.

  
“I thought you wanted to know how I felt about you” he said the same time Louis whispered “Please don’t do this Harry.” He should have known by now how the universe worked against them. He did not want to stand here any longer and hear Harry speak more, but at the same time he was itching to know how he felt about him. The problem was even if he did profess his love for Louis, in that instant he knew it would be out of pity. He didn’t genuinely love Louis for the person he was, he was in love with the person he could make him. Louis knew there were parts in his life that Harry wished he could possibly fix, things he hoped he could make better which is why his so called affection was taunting to hear right now.

  
So he left.

This time Harry didn’t try to follow him nor did he protest when Louis walked through the door. He left with the delayed silence and the ringing in his ear that kept repeating the same words to him.

  
Even though Louis wanted it to end so badly he couldn’t possibly stand another second in a closed off room with Harry looking at him like that.

  
He drove, and drove some more until he arrived at the only place he knew could swallow him and his feelings. Louis was back at his own hilltop overlooking a city. The very place that fought countless of Harry’s demons and now it was doing the exact same thing for him.

  
“You don’t have to say anything. You don’t even have to look at me. But please don’t tell me to go.”

  
His voice always calmed Louis down. He looked at the direction of the flashing amber lights in the back only to see Harry standing with his hand outstretched to him, his skin covered in goosebumps by the chilling breeze, his eyes crest fallen and lips pale, his skin translucent which almost made him look like glass.

  
He was fragile even more than Louis was.

  
Harry Styles was a selfish man. He was selfish because Louis' own heart was not his anymore, Harry took it without even considering the consequences.  
He was manipulative and Louis was weak to his charms. Louis didn’t know how to refuse him anymore or if he even could in the first place. So he took his hand.

  
He led Louis quietly to his truck. When he shut the doors and the noisy background faded outside Louis dared to look across to him in the driver’s seat.

  
“I can’t do this anymore Harry” he was a fool to show Harry his tears but it hurt him knowing that he was hurting Sam.

  
“It’s not your fault” But it was Louis' fault. He ran away because he felt guilty and he didn’t deserve Sam. He didn’t deserve his love or his last name. He didn’t deserve to be called his. Louis didn’t deserve his proposal.

  
The sad thing was he didn’t even leave him a note. Louis intended to leave this place, leave behind his job, the life he made here, to leave Sam and all the memories behind, yet he told no one. No one knew. And even though he tried to leave Harry he couldn't even do that. He was always the only exception.


	8. Chapter 8

They drove for what felt like hours. Louis awoke to the sound of Harry’s voice softly whispering close to his ear.

  
“I booked us rooms for the remainder of the night. I know my truck seat isn’t comfortable. I’ll meet you inside.” It was so awkward between them now. He left and Louis immediately felt the weight that was crushing his chest ease off his body. Maybe it wasn't a good idea for him to get into the truck and drive to nowhere with the one person he so desperately wanted to stay away from but at the same time be with for every second. It was hard to explain and Louis' head was spinning just thinking about it.

  
He remembered how long it took him to finally gather up the courage to get out of that truck. When he finally had the will in him, he followed Harry's previous footsteps keeping his head to the floor for fear that he would see the emptiness in Harry's eyes and be triggered into wanting to fix them.

  
“Rooms are quite limited. I only got one. I hope you don’t mind sharing.” It was exactly what the universe had intended. Though Louis felt elated to be dealt this hand he was also disgusted with himself because it wasn’t even a couple hours that had passed since he left Sam only to be in a room with another man.

  
With Harry's insistence Louis was given the bed while he took to the floor with a couple of sheets and blankets to somehow imitate an actual bed.

  
Louis wanted to tell him to get off the cold floor and take the bed. He paid for the room so why was Louis the one to take the actual bed? He had no right over it. His mouth never spoke the words. While they laid there in silence for some time Louis can hear his heart beat and his soft breathing right next to him. The magnitude of sounds intensified and every little rattle or shake made his senses overload.

  
There was a feeling lingering in the air that cannot exactly be explained but rather it was something that could only be experienced in that point in time. It was something they were both running from for a long time and now that they were finally in an enclosed room alone, that feeling only crept up on them inch by inch until it was loud enough to be shouting the affections and emotions back into their faces.

  
He was about two seconds away from risking it all. Louis was about a leg stretch away from touching Harry's soft skin, he was about a heartbeat away from pressing his chest on Harry's only to feel his heart race simultaneously to his rapid breathing.

  
“Louis” He was slow and it was so soft and exactly the way Louis had imagined he’d say his name all this time. It sounds pained but with so much hope and pining attached. Like he was thirsty and he was in desperate need of water. In desperate need for something. It was like trying something new for the first time, and it was the moan you give out after that very first bite, the sheer shock that something could taste that good. That was what it felt like hearing Harry speak his name in that moment. Louis was too afraid to reply though, too afraid that he would not be able to control the outcome. He knows where this particular scenario can end up and as much as he yearned for Harry he could not let it happen. At least not this way. Not when he was trying to convince himself that the actions from earlier was the right thing to do and being with Harry at this moment was also the right thing. Not when he already decided that Harry could not love him for the person he was and not when he was not the person Harry thought he was.

  
So he remained silent in hopes that Harry will buy into him being asleep and letting the actions of anything further die in the cold night.  
Louis was still in bed listening to what could possibly be Harry's soft breathing. He knew he wasn't asleep as well. Still they buried themselves in the silence hoping that the other would potentially break it.

  
"Goodnight" the word finally was whispered from Harry followed by an inaudible sigh before Louis heard shuffling about and then the silence returned.

  
**

  
His eyes shift to focus and adjust to the bright light seeping through the slight crack of open drape by the windows. It was the first sign that it was morning. Harry slowly sat up trying hard not to dwell on the shooting pain coming from his lower back from his poor excuse of a makeshift bed on the floor only to look slightly up to catch Louis still asleep in bed. He felt like he was invading somehow, being here and able to witness this moment.

Louis Tomlinson in the morning sun.

Harry has been to the hilltop overlooking B. for years and the view always took his breath away. In the sun or in the evening glow, the hilltop overlooked the city below them where the shimmering lights and faint sounds of inaudible honking horns was what made this place so special to Harry. It was a place where he could feel at peace. Yet somehow, looking at Louis, having this stunning view of his silhouette wrapped up in satin sheets and his auburn hair kissed against his cheek. The way his torso stretched for miles and his t shirt rode up a bit to reveal to Harry the dimples on his lower back. This view right now was everything. It had shattered all the illusions and peace Harry once thought he experienced when visiting the hilltop. He wanted to wake up to this instead every morning.

  
He stood there for far too long, keeping a small smile on his face while so many thoughts ran through his head. Louis stirring in his sleep was what broke his little trance. He was being creepy just standing and staring and decided to occupy time before Louis wakes up and catches him in the act. He sets out in search for breakfast.

  
This was all too new for Harry as well because seeing Louis like this is something he hasn't had the chance to ever experience with Sebastian. Harry was nearly always on the road and Sebastian was never around. A simple thing such as waking up next to the person you love was something Harry never knew, that is, until now and he really doesn't want that to change.

  
By the time he's returned to the shabby yet comfortable little motel somewhere jammed between states, Harry is stunned that Louis isn't in their room. They were a long way from home, Harry drove for the most part of the night to know that the city limits of LA were way behind them. He's positive Louis would not leave and not tell him but it is still unsettling not knowing his whereabouts. Harry knows he sounds obsessive but the whole point of being here right now is because of Louis, no scratch that, it is for Louis and if he isn't here well then that just defeats the whole purpose of Harry being here doesn't it? He doesn't panic but simply lay out the now cold coffee from the diner about five minutes from the motel and the cheese danish he ordered for Louis on the table. Maybe he just felt like getting some good old fresh air, probably went to stretch his muscles, after all, it was a long night.  
As his thoughts seem to consume him whole Harry barely notices when the door rocks open and in walks Louis clearly stunned to see him sitting on the bed looking somewhat terrified, he could only imagine. That is if Louis' reaction were foretelling.

  
"Are you alright?" Was what Louis started with and Harry remembered how his voice wrapped around every word and how it was said with gusto that he actually believed he meant it. It was the only reason Harry chose to be vulnerable and smile at him, not hiding how his heart fluttered that this man was genuinely concerned for him.

  
"I should be the least of your concerns Louis. What matters is if you're alright." He pauses when Louis casts his head down knowing that Harry would direct the attention back to him. "Are you?"

  
It's a ridiculous question considering that Louis just left his fiancé, his job, his friends and the place he once called home behind him only to end up in the middle of God knows where with none other than him. The man that has made tears gather in those cobalt eyes countless of times, the man that has etched a permanent frown upon that smooth spans of forehead and the same man that make his hands shake just from the sound of his voice. Harry is not proud of the state he causes Louis to be in but he hopes that Louis will finally understand that this isn't just a game to him. What he is feeling is not just a phase or something that will not last, something that would simply go away. He hopes Louis understands that there will be no other man he would drive hundreds of miles with just to be away from it. Whatever it may be. Harry would only do that for Louis.

  
"Can we go?" They had no plan in action. Harry did not know where Louis wanted to be taken so he just drove. He would get into his truck and drive and drive until Louis would make a slight breath and Harry would take it as a pit stop of some sorts or for a bathroom break. They would stop at random diners along the route and even though Louis would often sit and not say a thing, Harry would smile thinking that there was no other place he'd rather be.

  
Harry remembers that one gloomy evening when the sun was at its lowest peak and it was a strange time between light and dark. The rain taps heavily against the windshield making it difficult for Harry to see the road. He knew it was safer to pull over. They sat there as the rain continues to pour, no one said a thing for a while.

  
"My mother would tell me this one story every time it rained" he didn't dare turn to catch if Louis was even listening to him. Thinking about his mother had always been the hardest but he feels better somehow telling Louis about her. She would have loved him. "She would say the rain was like a cycle. She believed in guardian angels. She said when it rains it means that our guardian angel has failed to keep us on the right track. The rain reminds us that things get better and that after every storm there is a rainbow. It drives us to see and do good in our lives. She believed it was their way of communicating with us." He could feel the tears skimming down his cheeks and in addition hear the soft sniffs of Louis beside him. It was a beautiful concept and it stuck with him till this day.

  
"When she left me I believed that she had become my guardian angel and she watches over me all the time. When I'm alone is when I feel her the most. It's almost like she's there right in front me again." He knew he was saying too much too quickly but there was no other chance and moment for this sort of topic. It just felt so easy with Louis.  
He has never uttered those words to anyone before, never took anyone to the hilltop over looking B. The one place Harry believed his mother would be with him. It was strange at the beginning because Harry thought Louis was similar to him and taking him there was to sort of help him with his situations, but now, all the times he's taken Louis to the hill was to somehow show his mum that he was happy (well he could be) and that this was the man responsible for it.

  
"I never knew my mother" the rain had eased a bit but still beating against the glass. Louis' voice cut through the noise and Harry just had to glance at him in that moment. He had his fingers knotted together in his lap with his head to the floor. Harry wanted to wrap him in his arms, maybe warm up his cold body and coo him into bliss.

  
"I'm sorry" Louis laughed almost bitterly still not looking up to him.

  
"Don't be. I didn't have a mum and my life turned out pretty alright I think." His voice cracked and Harry could tell he wanted to cry. "But your mother seems lovely."

  
"She was. She was the sweetest. You would have loved her" Harry realises what he says only until he's said it. This time Louis looks at him and he could do nothing but stare into those glassy bloodshot eyes. He was implying that if his mother was alive she would have met Louis which is why he doesn't hesitate when he says "And she would have loved you." He watches Louis expression turned from fright to indifferent then back to sadness until finally settling for content. It was a small step but they were getting there. As Harry pulls on the road again noting that the rain had subdued, the silence stretched on until a few hours later when Harry stopped to get food.

  
**

He watched his phone ring and go to voicemail for the seventh time in the past half hour. Sam was still at it and Louis doesn't even know how to begin to have this talk with him. As he watches Harry across the parking lot, he takes a deep breath trying to remind himself that his decision to leave was definitely beneficial. He knows he has to eventually tell Sam but for now he keeps putting it off for just a few more minutes because he's going over the exact words to say first.

  
Harry comes back to the car with a couple of grocery bags in his hand.

  
"I got us some snacks. They didn't really have food and the next place is about an hour away from here." He smiles and hands over the bags to Louis getting in his truck rather gracefully.

  
"Where are we? I haven't seen a sign since we left LA." Louis knows nothing about the US as he is an original northerner but it was definitely a long way from the regular city life and busy streets of downtown California.

  
"We're just about twenty miles from Idaho actually" Idaho? Like where the potatoes come from? Harry laughs softly placing his hands firmly on the steering wheel. "You've been asleep most of the journey and I didn't want to wake you. I figured you needed the rest."

He's not wrong. Louis has become dead weight since he stepped out the city limits and he doesn't blame himself. A lot is riding on his shoulders and his mind. Also he figured if he slept then he could avoid having any sort of conversation with Harry. They keep silence once more until Harry decides to stop to get something to eat. It's small and reminds Louis of the pizza joint they used to go to back in England.

  
"Jeffrey has a cabin house I think just a few miles from here." He finally rests the menu down on the table and looked at Louis suggestively. "I was thinking maybe we could..." But he doesn't finish the sentence. It didn't surprise Louis at all. He knew what Harry was insinuating yet as he tries to hide the playful smile from appearing on his lips he continues to look at Harry, almost challenging him to finish what he had to say.

  
Luckily for him the waitress came at that exact moment to take their orders. She kept her stare on Harry and at first Louis thought she recognised him because of his musical career but he quickly realised it was just her thirst was showing. He had to roll his eyes.

  
"I'll just take some water for now thank you."

  
"You always do this Harry" That caught his attention. He looks over at Louis with that same old puzzled look on his face, his eyebrows shooting together to create that deep sink between them. "You're not going to order any food?" Louis continues while the thirsty waitress looks on.

  
"I'm not that hungry. I had a few snacks when we stopped to get gas." Louis rolled his eyes again. He's not being bratty but besides the fact that this girl is making oogly eyes at Harry and it's somehow making him upset, Harry always says he's not hungry but when Louis orders he picks the food off his plate. It's unfair.

  
"Can we please have a medium pepperoni pizza and a side of large fries?" He sounds all American boy and the little inside joke makes him chuckle somehow.

  
"Would that be all?"

  
"For now. Thank you."

  
She walks away probably scuffing at Louis which just the thought of it had him laughing.  
"Quite an appetite" Harry says conversationally while checking his phone. If he wanted to keep playing this game then Louis had no choice but to entertain him. He decides not to answer Harry but to rather stare at him until he felt his gaze burn through the center of his forehead. Harry indeed felt it as his eyes lift from his phone to come in contact with Louis' piercing ones.

  
"Have you spoken to anyone as yet?" By anyone Louis knew who he meant. The issue isn't about Sam anymore, Harry just didn't want to have this conversation because he knew what Louis' look meant. He knew the waitress was flirting with him and he knew Louis was jealous.

  
But sticking to Harry's façade game Louis smiles and nods. Thankfully Louis spoke to his team and the project he's been working on is on hold until they can find a proper actress for the main character. The old one didn't exactly meet their demands and at the last minute, flaked. His job was clear for a while, he texted Sienna and told her that he wouldn't be in town for a few days. She of course wanted to know where he went and all he said was that he needed some time off and that he was safe and with Harry. She didn't ask anymore questions and she promised Louis that she wouldn't say a word to Sam. And that leaves only Mr. Locker. It wouldn't be long now for him to figure out who Louis was with, he would find out Harry was also gone. Yet Sam has no idea why Louis left. Why he did all this in the first place. He knew how Louis felt about Harry and still he didn't. He didn't know Louis was in love with him because Louis told him he wasn't. Louis also told him that he wanted a future with him when he's in the middle of nowhere with Harry and not him. Louis felt like an utter twat for putting Sam through this but his thoughts would not stop him from feeling guilty. Sure he felt it but the bliss, the possibility of things turning out positive is what overpowered Louis' mind. He believed he was right where he wanted to be, with the person he wanted to be with. And no one was ever going to take that feeling away from him.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter - Ed Sheeran // Kiss Me. I would advise to let this play while you read.

Louis often thought about the way his life would turn out. It's not foreign to envision your future when you were growing up. What you expect to achieve, rather than want to, what you want out of life versus what you deserve. 

The call to Sam was nasty but it was something that needed to be done as opposed to wanting it to be done. Louis kept his ring safe in his front pocket as he wiped the last remaining, almost dried tears from his face and stepped out the phone booth. It was a good thing Harry wasn't around to see him this way, he was out getting gas in the cramped 24 hour station just across the lot while Louis stood watching the road feeling miniature and lost. Lost because even though he knew where him and Harry were going he still had no idea where he was going or what he was even doing at this point. Why was he running? Why was he in this truck traveling across states? Why anything really. Why he's always running from his problems instead of facing them? Why does he always hide himself and his feelings away for fear of rejection? Why does he keep pushing people away from him? Why does he keep hurting people?

He was tired of always wondering and never knowing. 

  
So many questions left unanswered as he walks across the lot with one agenda. He sees Harry at the register and already the vision in his mind start to fade. _What am I doing?_ He stops because what _is_ he doing? Surely this would have some sort of consequence. Then another switch goes off in his head. It is because of these pessimistic thoughts that has landed Louis in hot water many times before. He was always known for his brooding nature and always the _what if_ man instead of _fuck it and let's take chances_ man. Louis was beyond tired of always wondering about things and never knowing because he was too chicken shit to do something about it. Always hiding in the dark, always taking in consideration the thoughts and possibilities of what other people would think and how it would affect them instead of thinking of how it would affect him.

  
He starts walking again but this time slower making sure he doesn't take his eyes off Harry.  
This is something he's wanted to do the first time he ever met Harry but since day one it's always been somehow difficult. Not anymore.

  
The moment Harry spots him he gets that look on his face. Puzzled yet somehow intrigued. Somehow hoping and it is what drives Louis to pick up his pace just a tad bit more. Harry stops like he knows what's about to happen and he's just waiting for it. Louis' hands start shaking and his whole body comes alive, it vibrates with anticipation.

  
"Louis what's-" he doesn't allow Harry to finish. He wraps a hand around Harry's head and brings his face down so he can seal his lips on him. In an instance everything disappears and Louis is left in darkness. Harry isn't reacting which in turn is starting to make Louis' vicious thoughts seep back into his skull. Harry doesn't want this. He's going to push Louis away because he's repulsive. Feeling totally out of his element and out of line Louis slowly detaches his lips from Harry already bracing for the worst. A slap maybe? Or perhaps a utter look of disbelief followed by a few harsh words.

  
He dares to open his eyes to stare at Harry staring back. Harry touches his lips slowly closing his eyes once more. Louis can feel his emotions over power his senses as the fresh tears roll down his cheeks.

  
He couldn't stand there any longer knowing that Harry would explode any moment. He cannot bare the look of disgust on his face when he sees Louis again so he leaves. More like bolt.

  
"Louis" it was more of a plead compared to what Louis was expecting. It was the only thing that made him think that this wasn't taking the turn for the worst. This time Harry doesn't wait for him to react or do anything for that matter. He feels a soft hand on his shoulder and then he's once again face to face with Harry. He immediately consumes himself in darkness. Closing his eyes tight hoping that if he doesn't see maybe it will not happen.

  
"Louis look at me" he doesn't respond but Harry's voice is so close to his face and it's so soft. Louis can see his silhouette. "Please" he feels a soft hand on his face and it sends him into frenzy. He's holding his breath but he slowly opens his eyes.

  
"Do you know how much this means to me?" Harry is smiling, his hand stroking slowly and so softly on Louis' cheeks. "Would you let me do this properly now?" His heart is beating out of his chest and he shamelessly leans into the warm touches across his face. He's confused and doesn't know how to answer Harry so he swallows, breathing out slowly. Harry must think he doesn't understand because he bites his lips letting out a small chuckle. "I'm asking if I can kiss you?"

Louis is numb. He cannot move, he cannot think, he cannot do. They stand watching each other for sometime, getting lost in blues and greens until eventually they merge together. He doesn't close his eyes this time, instead he watches Harry inch closer to his face. He's angelic like this. Eyelashes fanned across his rosy cheeks, smile heating up the humid atmosphere. The soft oranges and yellows from the sun hues with his image almost creating a halo of light around him. Louis allows himself another second of this image until he feels Harry's supple lips against his and on instance he closes his eyes. It is true that vision is of importance but the touch, the feel is what matters. It's what connects bodies. Like a jolt of electricity coursing through the veins making all your senses come alive. Sending shivers all the way to your fingertips and toes. Then the warmth of Harry's hand pressing to the back of his head sends Louis to something euphoric and other worldly. He's never felt like this with anyone before. He's never nervous to kiss someone, nor has he never experienced such a sweet feeling between his legs that he has to squeeze his thighs together to maybe slow it down. Harry doesn't stop though, he only goes deeper, pressing lips and tongue and merging saliva. His other hand engulfs Louis' lower back keeping him in place. Louis has no idea what to do or if he can even feel his hands but he knows they are resting on Harry's chest. He can feel his heart rate increase with each touch. He needs to stop. They need to stop. But it feels too good.

  
Louis is the one to pull away first keeping his hand fisted against Harry's impeccable chest. His eyes are casted so he doesn't catch the expression on Harry's face.

  
"Don't hide baby let me see you" it makes Louis smile for some reason. Maybe because he never pinned Harry as a person who uses pet names. Nevertheless Harry lifts his chin so that Louis is looking at him. "You are so beautiful. How do I stop kissing you?" As he says it he leans forward and places a kiss on Louis' flaming cheeks. "But we should probably go" at that he looks around and only then Louis realises they are still standing in the middle of a fucking gas station. He nods not able to speak just yet as Harry reaches for his hand.

  
Once in the truck do things start becoming intensified. Seeing Harry now, knowing what he tastes like, how he looks, linger in Louis' mind. Replaying like a record over and over. And each time is different. Each time he finds something new about it. It's why he doesn't think twice to reach across the driver's seat and hold Harry in a hasty kiss. Harry is caught off guard but he's a trooper for falling right into things. Hands struggling to grip onto something, feet jamming the gearbox pressing hard against skin but neither one of them pulls away. Harry is a bit hurried this time, he's messy with his lips and tongue, something more desperate and needy. Harry's foot pressing on the clutch making the engine roar is what causes Louis to pull back. He laughs making Harry join him. "I think there's a motel a couple miles back. Do you think we can call it a night?"

He knows what Harry is thinking and he doesn't disagree. He sits in his seat jingling with heat and arousal as he patiently waits for Harry to pull up to the motel he spoke about. They leave their bags in the truck as Louis follows Harry blindly to the receptionist followed by the rickety stairs to their room. Not once have either of them spoken since they left the gas station. All Louis can think about is how sweet Harry tastes and how all this feels too good to be true.

  
Harry opens the door and waits for Louis to go in first. It's a decent room but Louis doesn't pay attention to anything but at Harry. The way he shuffles in and looks down as he fiddles with his keys. They are both scared, nervous mostly and they're not quite sure how to move forward. Harry stands by the door as Louis takes a seat on the bed. Louis thinks action definitely speaks louder than words. It's why he climbs up further on the bed and lays down. Takes his shoes off and everything. He knows Harry is looking but he's still contemplating whether or not he should move. Louis feels the sheets around him, he sinks deeper into the bed letting the cheap cotton rustle beneath him. He stretches running his feet and hands along the warm sheets until he feels it. A gentle graze atop his foot causing his eyes to shoot open. Harry is at the end of the bed, framing Louis' foot with his face. Louis bites his lips coming in contact with Harry's eyes finally. They are oversized and almost sparkling. The specks of green turned dark.

Without blinking or moving his eyes away from Louis, he bends to subtly place a soft kiss of the top of Louis' foot. His hand is gently moving up and down the sole and it makes Louis gasp with laughter which he didn't think was possible. Harry is still holding on to his foot even when Louis tries to wiggle free from him. He's smiling wider now as he dips once more to place not one but a few more kisses up his foot. Louis whines and trashes about but he doesn't want Harry to stop. He bites his lips watching on with anticipation to what Harry would do next. It's suddenly three degrees hotter than before which makes the room feel stuffy and tacky. Harry is getting naked which is the only upside in the situation but Louis feels on fire, he feels like there is a fire inside him that he cannot put out, or that he's burning inside out, he's feeling like the smoke is suffocating him but the moment his eyes land on Harry he feels nothing, he sees nothing else. It's quite similar to the feeling he has back in the gas station. With the sun and the halo light. It's almost the same, like some sort of sign or beautiful metaphor Louis doesn't get. Harry in on his knees in between his legs with his shirt thrown to the floor. It's the first proper time he gets to marvel the canvas that is Harry Styles. All beautiful and almighty. He feels like he's in a museum looking at something Michelangelo created. Harry was honestly so pretty and Louis says that with the purest of affection in his heart. He's just pretty. Pretty and soft. He's not sure if he's speaking out loud but Harry almost blushes and it's the prettiest thing to see.

  
"You should see yourself right now. I am nothing pretty compared to you Louis Tomlinson" Harry gets that look on his face once more. The darkened eyes with the stilly gaze. It makes Louis stop breathing. Harry moves in slow motion as he brings his mouth over Louis' navel, pushing his t shirt further up to reveal the path for his tongue.

  
"Can I take this off?" Harry asks, he fucking asks like this isn't the most obvious thing. Like this is not something Louis wants. Louis could cry and not because of the situation but for simply Harry being just that...Harry. He arches his back off the bed as to help Harry help him out of his shirt. Harry is looking at him again, not saying or doing anything. It's moments like this does he feel the most vulnerable and bare. This is the moment where he knows he's where he's supposed to be, with the person he wants to be with.

  
"Is it okay if I don't speak? I rather show you how I feel. How _you_ make me feel" Louis is numb again. Harry keeps surprising him and he should be immune by now. He should get used to this sort of chivalry by now but he doesn't. It's doesn't feel like that and he has no idea what to do with it. Harry kisses him. Slow, careful, passionate. Bodies merging, hands exploring, feet tangled, heads spinning.

  
Harry's hungry mouth slathered with the remanence and traces of Louis slowly begin to travel their way down his torso. Peck by peck, lick by lick, suck by suck Harry takes his time creating a work of art with his tongue and mouth. Making small blotches of dark red in its way. He's at the waistband of his jeans now, mouth agape, hands coming back at a meeting point at the top. Slowly but surely he gets the belt then the buttons and zipper undone. Louis lifts slightly off the bed as Harry slips off his own jeans and helps Louis out of his.

They are both naked now. Bodies aflame, skin prickling under scrutiny of the eyes. It's almost as if this vessel is nothing more than an outlet and Harry looks past all that and sees inside. Louis is open and transparent to him spread across the bed at a cheap motel across states and there is no other place he would rather be. He caresses his thighs, sofly running fingertips against the slowly rising hair on skin. Then he feels mouth. He feels wet, he feels all things at once. Heat, bliss, satisfaction, pleasure. Harry's mouth is around his cock while his hand cups his balls massaging gently. He has to do it. He reaches over to grab a fist full of his hair. His beautiful auburn curly hair and pulls. Harry's other hand slip under him gripping at the back of his ass bringing Louis even closer to Harry as his mouth goes deeper. Pushing and releasing enough to make Louis see the fucking stars and moon and the entire constellations. Harry is amazing with his mouth, the technique and flawless non existent gag reflex. Louis has thought about this moment more than he would have liked but none of those times could ever prepare him for this. The noise he makes, the way his head moves, the way his mouth wraps effortlessly around Louis builds something inside him. He can feel the heat gather in his stomach, can feel his eyes getting ready to roll to the back of his head, feel his toes curl in on themselves and he's ready. He's fucking ready to let go, to feel like this, that is until the warmth is gone and his cock is exposed to the cool room instead of deep inside Harry's throat.

  
He whines, like a fucking baby he whines when Harry sits up with that smirk on his face wiping at his swollen lips.

  
"Can't let you have all the fun" all while stroking himself. Louis is about to come just from that image alone but he doesn't because Harry looks at him and he knows what he wants.

"Do you want to taste?" Of fucking course. He nods stupidly fast which in turn makes Harry laugh out loud. He clumsily or rather enthusiastically and a bit of frantically rushes to put Harry's dick in his mouth. Finally. He's sure this is what great songs are made from. This is when inspiration strikes. Harry is big, not just length wise but girth as well. He's thrusting as Louis puts his mouth around him but he's also stroking Louis on the cheeks checking in ever so often to see if he's alright. Which is strange? But strangely arousing. Louis can't quite explain it right now and he doesn't need to he just needs Harry to fuck his throat shut so his brain blacks out and he can think of nothing but him.

  
"Such a pretty little mouth" he's not quite sure how the lines blurred from making love to straight fucking but he's not mad. As much as he loves how gentle Harry can be he kind of likes this side as well. It's sort of a surprise that can turn on and off. Harry holds his head in place as he keeps the steady flow deep down Louis' throat.

  
"Do you want more?" He nods. Like a fucking slut he nods because even though it burns and his eyes can't quite see from all the water and his cheeks stretch to its furthest he doesn't want to stop. The pain is something he likes, the taste on his tongue is the best part though. A sort of reminder that a piece of Harry is still with him. Harry pulls him off just as he's about getting into the sweet agony of things. It seems like everytime Louis starts getting into habit Harry breaks it and that is one of the sexiest and most unpredictable thing to ever happen to Louis.

  
He licks his fingers before dipping between Louis to make his way to his hole. The first finger slides in easily, Harry still on his knees and Louis clutching onto him like a koala.

  
"Lie down baby. Want you comfortable" and the fluff is back. The loving, caring persona is back as Harry looks determined and careful as he slowly pumps his finger in and out of Louis like he's some sort of virgin or something.  
Louis tries to move around, grind down on that one finger but Harry's body is almost covering his so it makes it impossible to do anything.

  
"Just a second baby" he hops off the bed and goes in his jeans pocket. He returns with a packet of lube and a condom. Louis isn't sure why he has it or where he even got it but it shows him that he was hoping something would happen on the road and somehow it allows Louis to smile. It's all in a blur, the part when Harry coats his fingers with lube, the breaching of his hole, stretching and waiting for cock, Harry putting on the condom. All he sees is this beautiful man staring back at him, his warm breath across his face, pretty eyes staring back at him and pretty lips close to his. Harry slowly moves and he feels it. The thickness, the sweet stretch and the fullness. Harry dips his head, his hair falling in Louis' face, his mouth leaving a trail of spit from his mouth on Louis' collarbones or any inch of skin within reach.

The thrusts doesn't pick up, Harry maintains his slow, deep thrust and it makes Louis wary, it makes him greedy, impatient. Harry looks at him now and this time it feels different. His eyes change with every thrust, his breath matches every move. Louis grips his arm and spreads his legs further apart. It looks like the right thing to do because Harry takes it as indication to go faster. His thrusts are not as deep as before but it manages to drill the same spot over and over. Louis is intensifying and the feeling inside his stomach is growing faster. It seems like something that not only affecting Louis but Harry as well. He's getting frantic, his thrusts are sloppy and out of rhythm. His face is building up sweat but his eyes never leave Louis' face.

  
"Louis fuck" the bed is bouncing with every thrust, every move, every scream and with every moan. Harry keeps repeating Louis' name like its some sort of prayer and Louis is focusing on the small freckle to the side of Harry's jaw.

  
"Come on my chest" the words are out his mouth in an instant. He understands the difficulty in the procedure considering Harry is wearing a condom but he really wants him to come on his chest. Harry pulls out and tosses the condom in a flash and pumps his swollen dick over Louis' chest. With a few more strokes and a few more chants of Louis' name on his sweet lips Harry releases on Louis' bare chest. Shots of come go to different areas of his belly, some even pooling by his navel, and like a canvas Harry takes his dick and smears them all together. It takes two to three more seconds of this before Harry let's go off his own cock to hold onto Louis.

  
"Your turn princess" he starts pumping and not long does he find himself with a face full of Louis' cum dripping from his chin and cheeks.

  
Eventually Harry leaves the bed for a minute and comes back with a come less face and a t shirt for Louis to wipe up his stomach. The thing is, the sex was great but it's the period after the sex is the greatest to endure.

  
The silence stretched on and grew like a shadow in the room. They both lie there naked and unspoken.

  
"Louis" the voice is small and the tone reminds Louis of the first night they stayed at a motel together. For some reason Louis doesn't want to hear it.

  
"In the morning" he knows Harry wants to answer so he adds, "we'll talk in the morning" and leaves it at that.

  
It's no surprise Louis is up first thing in the morning before Harry. He's already showered and waiting for him by the truck. Harry shows up about an hour after still in his clothes from last night, hair askew, jeans tattered; basically fucked out of his mind.  
He's determined to spark up a conversation Louis is in no mood for, which is why he stops it before it even happens.

  
"Why-" as he's about to start Louis cuts him off.

  
"I'd like to go home"

  
"What?" He's almost shocked by Louis' request or simply didn't hear, whichever it was doesn't matter.

  
"I want you to take me back home"

  
"Louis is this about last nigh-"

  
"Please just take me home" Louis knows Harry wouldn't take no for an answer. He wouldn't move until Louis gives him a proper answer but the thing is Louis doesn't have one himself. He doesn't know how to explain how he feels and why he feels this way. All he knows is that he's a long way from home and he would much like to be with people he loves and back to a place he loves.

  
"You have to talk to me. I can't just take you home not knowing why and just assuming that I'm the reason." The next words to come out his mouth was only so that Harry would not ask him any more questions and he would do as Louis says.

  
"That's just it. It's not up for assumption. You _are_ the reason." He sees the moment when Harry's face drops, the smile, the willpower, the hope, the spark, the thrill of last night, everything just washed away in an instant. Hastily he jumps into his truck and gets the engine running without another word.


	10. Chapter 10

He must have fallen asleep but when he jerks awake Harry is standing outside, his silhouette surrounded by the headlights of the truck. Louis has no idea where they are. He steps out following the lights. The place slowly falling into perspective, it slowly starts to writhe it's way back into Louis' skull. They are at the hill overlooking B. The very first place it all started. The memories, the smiles, the thoughts. All of it happened here. Louis realised he loved Harry one night when they came here.

Coming back here now under the current circumstances it feels foreign and almost unknown. The wind prevents Louis from hearing at first but as he steps closer he does. By now that voice should become familiar and it shouldn't cause the same reaction from Louis every time, but it does. Louis has to stop to listen to the actual words coming from Harry's mouth, the raw emotion, the sweet falsettos, the prolonged words. He's singing a song Louis hasn't heard before. It speaks of a man who has lost his mother and now he's aimless. He doesn't know how to move on in life and then he finds another boy just as broken as he was. They fall in love but could never be together. 

By the end of it Louis is crying and Harry still hasn't a clue that he is standing there listening to him. When he eventually turns around and sees Louis, he's quick to wipe his hands over his face but his reddened eyes and nose gives him away. He was crying as well.

  
"I-I just needed a minute. I'll drop you off soon" it broke something in Louis he didn't know could break.

  
"I could use a minute too" Louis tells himself to be strong, he was good at pretending things were fine with him, this time should not be all that difficult. He takes s seat on the concrete barrier and looks ahead making sure to block off Harry next to him. If he knows him well enough he would do the same. The wind was picking up and in the distance Louis could see the storm clouds brewing only waiting to burst and explode the sky with thousands of tiny droplets of regret and sorrow. That is what rain is right? It is a metaphor for all the shittiest things to happen to someone yet it is so soothing. Why is that? Louis supposed it's a beautiful disaster of some sorts just like him.

  
As he's thinking about the rain clouds and himself he hears Harry's humming and looks over. It's to the tune of the Johnny Cash song Louis told him eons ago about singing to his audience. He never did. Until now. His voice is just as deep as Johnny and just as impressionable.

 

" _Love is burning thing,  
And it makes a fiery ring"_

 

He doesn't know Louis is staring at him. His eyes stay closed and his humming turns into words.

 

" _I fell into a burning ring of fire_  
_I went down, down, down and the flames went higher  
And it burns, burns, burns the ring of fire, the ring of fire."_

 

Even though Harry is not saying the words, the ones that are obvious, Johnny Cash made it clear what he was talking about when he sang this song. And with Harry singing it now makes no difference. It is an analogy, a desperate attempt to explain what he was feeling inside. Louis thought he needed to get away from everything, that somehow being in a different place would make him forget all the bad decisions and all the fucked up mistakes he's ever made. He thought with a foreign place comes foreign feelings, brand new faces and even newer feelings. It didn't. If it's one thing Louis learnt all this time is that it doesn't matter where you go, or how much you try to fight what your heart is trying to tell you. No new land, no new face, no new words could ever take away the emotions that run deep within your soul.

The resounding noise that echoes in every inch of your body, calling out for that person, that undeniable quench that cannot be fulfilled, and the unmistakably shaking accompanied with the steady rhythm of your frantic heart. This is what love feels like. And as he looks at Harry trying to be subtle about expressing his feelings for him, Louis smiles thinking it's probably something he would have done as well. Since he's known Harry he has been subtly dropping hints throughout their entire relationship and he can't help but think of how different it would have been if he just out right said it out loud, straight forward instead of always beating around the bush. But this is who they were and what they are both known for. It's why he doesn't rush himself in saying the actual words but continues to sing the same song and same line hoping Harry would get it. He does. More than the expression and reaction Louis was hoping for. Harry starts crying and he doesn't hide it this time. He's open and free as he looks at Louis with so much hope and so much relief that this gesture was all he wanted, or that it was something he was waiting for. Louis could not see this beautiful man in this state so he crosses over to drape his hands over Harry in a hug. Immediately Harry curls into it, slipping his head between Louis' chin and collarbone, nestling on the soft warm spot. Louis can feel him everywhere. His hot breath, his wet eyes, his sweet scent filling the atmosphere and Louis' nostrils. It's an overload once again for Louis only this time he is ready for it.

  
"I love you" Louis remembers that exact moment and the voice, the tone, the drawl of it all still lingers in his head. It plays over and over like his favourite song. The words consume him whole. There is no wind, there is no darkness, only two bodies colliding, two souls merging, two heartbeats syncing. It is but a mere place where it's just Harry and Louis.  
Harry keeps repeating the words, soft but loud enough that it still sends shock waves throughout Louis' entire core. Or maybe it's just echoing from that one time alone. All he knows is that he never wants it to stop.

  
Harry is angsty now, he's tugging on Louis' jacket and his mouth is slick with spit that trails  along Louis' skin. Almost like he's trying to convince himself that all of this is real. Louis can sympathize with that notion. To have someone like Harry cry in his arms and profess his love for him, of all people, is something he doesn't quite get. Harry Styles is in love with _him_.

  
The rain starts falling, beating heavily against the ground, noisily as if protesting. As if realising what has happened here. Then Louis remembers what Harry told him about the rain.

  
"Your mum" he can barely speak but he has to let Harry know. He's still clutching on to his jacket like if he lets go Louis would fade away, but he's listening. "Your mum is here" he knows he sounds stupid but he honestly believes that she was there. He could feel it. She gets to witness this moment with them, she gets to see her son receive the love he deserves.

  
Harry looks at him, cupping his face while running his thump across Louis' cheek. He's smiling but Louis knows he's sad. The rain makes it difficult but he knows.

  
"I know" his voice is even smaller than Louis could remember, softer yet somehow even more fragile. "She's crying because she's happy just like I am right now"

  
"You always know the right thing to say" Louis is being completely honest in saying that. After that Harry says nothing nor does anything and Louis knew better than to disrupt him. He'd be lying if he said he didn't want to do exactly this rather than any other thing in the world right at that moment.

  
***

Louis rolls his eyes as he walks out the oval shaped office and makes his way down the narrow glass pathway back to his office.

  
He spent months pitching ideas and to finally be able to present it to the label to see if his script could potentially be turned into a movie was life changing. Even though the tasteless twats know nothing about comedy and good humour. According to them, his humour was too vulgar and not suitable for their viewer demographic. Whatever, Louis could more than find someone else who would recognise his talents.

  
Harry is waiting for him outside when he bolts out his office building still fuming at the directors.

  
"Do I even want to know?"

  
"Just take me away from this place" Harry knew where he wanted to go. The last time they've been to the hill overlooking B. was the night Harry first told him he loved him. He remembers the night like it was yesterday instead it happened almost six months ago. Of course in retrospect when Harry dropped him home after that, all his friends wanted to know where on God's earth he was hiding and what he did in that space of time he went missing. Louis wasn't hush hush about his adventures with his boyfriend. Yes, boyfriend he could say that now but back then it was such a complication. Sienna told him she knew it would happen eventually and all she was concerned with was how Louis said I love you back.

  
Contrary to popular belief, Louis did not say it back that night at the hill. When Harry dropped him off he was hesitant to leave. Louis was hesitant about opening the door and having to deal with Sam. According to his texts with Sienna though, she assured him that Sam left and that he doesn't have a spare key to Louis' apartment anymore. It still left something nasty lingering in the back of Louis' head. Like somehow this fantasy will end and Sam will jump out from the shrubs to beat up Harry or even throw a few punches at his face as well. He wouldn't even blame him.

  
"Are you sure you're alright to stay by yourself?" Louis nods but he knows deep inside he wants to tell Harry to stay. "Alright then I'll just go" he begins to walk off, his hair is still drenched from the heavy rains and seeing him walking off in the distance makes Louis coil with utter desperation. It is as if something clicks in his head once again, a claw scratching away at his stubborn heart. He's so fucking stupid. Of course he doesn't want Harry to leave, he _never_ wants him to leave.

  
"Harry wait" he jogs off to meet Harry halfway. There they both stand facing each other not able to maintain eye contact. "I-I..." Louis is stuck but it gets Harry's full attention. This is Louis' leap of faith. This is his giant fuck you to any horrible, misguided thought running through his head right now and for all the _what if_ moments instead of knowing. "I love you. Don't go" Harry sighs like he couldn't quite believe it and to be honest Louis himself doesn't either. He said it. He's finally said something he knows he's feeling but was too much of a coward to ever repeat it out loud. Harry grabs him and pulls him into a chaste kiss. He leaves lingering pecks on Louis' mouth, which is sweet but also reassuring.

  
"Then stop telling me to" they look at each other knowingly and as Louis smiles it seals the unspoken promise with Harry.


	11. Author's Note

A few things to help clarify what questions you may have.

-In the passages you may have come across "hill overlooking B" several times and you're probably wondering why is it that this was the only place without a name when the rest of the places I've stated in the book is listed. It's simple. Throughout the book I tried to create a safe place for both characters. I felt that there was no need for a name as it holds more significance and depth without one. Also there are two hills in this story one which is considered Harry's safe place back in England and as you read in the last chapter the hill that is now considered both their safe places in LA.

  
-Louis struggles with self acceptance as it is stated in various verses throughout the book. From the way he always distance himself from his feelings for Harry and not act on it simply because he doesn't think for a second Harry could feel the same. I wanted to make a different sort of ambience with the characters as opposed to the very clichéd love story line.

  
-Also I honestly thought I was being innovative and original with the title but it looks like the red hot chili peppers beat me to it. And for the record I am ashamed I didn't know this but I've grown quite attached to the name now to change it.

  
-There are also little snippets of dialogue from the characters and their conscious. I wanted to bridge this gap and get even more personal with the characters and the readers. I wanted to make the readers connect a bit more with my characters and feel exactly what they were feeling in that moment.

-Also no mention of Sam in the last chapter simply because I wanted this to not dwell on past relationships but rather new ones. I briefly touched on the break up and thought it didn't need much attention as it would have taken away the essence I was trying to create between Louis and Harry. 

  
-I would like to also state that this is my second year participating in this exchange and even though this year has been a roller coaster for me I always enjoy writing and being part of this small family.

Any other questions please feel free to voice them in the comment section below. I would love to hear from you! Much love and appreciation xoxo


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